![bats.png](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/553a8ddae4b0bd1c1a10972e/1524352908649-3KJS6ENY6MSLRCDDIC2I/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kCdP_OQ43w3Yr150_1ldscd7gQa3H78H3Y0txjaiv_0fDoOvxcdMmMKkDsyUqMSsMWxHk725yiiHCCLfrh8O1z5QPOohDIaIeljMHgDF5CVlOqpeNLcJ80NK65_fV7S1UY2bHnDWrmI8fM4Wph-l7CzFqtdW4xta29A5fHl-bW90ZDqXZYzu2fuaodM4POSZ4w/bats.png)
![bats.png](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/553a8ddae4b0bd1c1a10972e/1524352908649-3KJS6ENY6MSLRCDDIC2I/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kCdP_OQ43w3Yr150_1ldscd7gQa3H78H3Y0txjaiv_0fDoOvxcdMmMKkDsyUqMSsMWxHk725yiiHCCLfrh8O1z5QPOohDIaIeljMHgDF5CVlOqpeNLcJ80NK65_fV7S1UY2bHnDWrmI8fM4Wph-l7CzFqtdW4xta29A5fHl-bW90ZDqXZYzu2fuaodM4POSZ4w/bats.png)
The following is a statement from Columbia Vice President for Campus Services, Scott Wright:
Hey guys! I hate to be the bearer of bad news but we have Super Bats in the Tunnels again, and they are horny. I know what you’re thinking, how did they get back in there? The answer is I don’t know. I wish I knew, I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately I don’t, and I’m sorry for that.
So what are we going to do about it? Well first of all, stay out of the tunnels. I cannot stress enough how horny they are. Also, they’re Super Bats, so they are hung. We’re not talking a high school football coach in very short shorts hung; we’re talking full on “you should probably get that checked out cause you definitely have something with your glands” hung.
Secondly, we’re working to exterminate them. I know that sending graduate students to kill them is our go-to, but, unfortunately, we’re out of those. So here is the game plan: we line the tunnel walls with DVD copies of the 2007 film Fred Claus, because if there’s one thing we know Super Bats hate, it’s Paul Giamatti in family comedies. Now, we know what you’re thinking: why can’t we use DVD copies of the 2002 film Big Fat Liar? Good question. The answer is that while the Super Bats hate Giamatti’s performance in that movie, they can’t get enough of Frankie Muniz. So Fred Claus it is. We will continue to provide you with updates as soon as we can.
Thank you for your patience,
Scott Wright