HAMILTON – The Office of Admissions confirmed Saturday morning that, in an unprecedented preventative measure, it had mailed out its first preemptive rejection letter to one Matthew Winger, a high-school junior in Sioux Falls, SD.
“We deliberated long and hard over this decision, and we’re confident that we’ve made the right decision,” Dean Jessica Marinaccio told reporters during a press conference. Though the Dean declined to state the specific reasons for the groundbreaking move in accordance with Admissions Office privacy policy, she expressed confidence that the letter “was in the best interests of both the University and Mr. Winger, and would save significant time on both sides.”
However, a Federalist investigation exclusively reveals that the new procedure comes amidst considerable upheaval in the University bureaucracy.
“We’ve been keeping track of this kid since ’15,” confided an unnamed source in the admissions office. “Every so often we get these weird wanna-be-Columbia high school dweebs—you know the type, kind of guy that shows up to freshman Algebra decked out in Pantone 292, tells everyone he’s already practically been accepted, makes lion noises when he jerks off ‘cause he thinks its manly—shit like that. Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here. Motherfucker’s been calling the office twice a week. We’ve been debating what to do with him for years—we wanted to head him off at the pass, maybe send him a couple brochures for some sort of menial occupation more his speed, but Jessica [Marinaccio] insisted he deserved a shot—right up until he went and got a tramp stamp of her face done last week. You best believe we worked overtime that day. We sent him emails, a printed letter by express courier—hell, I think Jessica bribed the hobo on the corner to bike to Sioux Falls and yell it outside his house.”
As of press time, Winger had reportedly been reached by at least 4 of the University’s 67 avenues of communication. Though his family declined to comment on the decision, several piercing shrieks were heard from the Winger home throughout the night, and ISP records revealed such searches as “can u live without soul”, “where to buy light blue noose” and “how to hire hitman on darkweb” originating from the household.
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