STATEN ISLAND – According to recent reports, this Sunday during a trip back to his home in Staten Island, Tyler Austin CC ’18 brought his GPA home to meet his parents, describing it as having a “great personality.” Austin’s parents reportedly appeared shocked by the outright ugliness of their son’s GPA, giving it side eye looks and insisting that he “could do better.”
“I’ll admit, given the GPAs I’ve managed to get from middle school onwards, I don’t think my parents expected me to bring home a 2.6,” Austin told reporters earlier this week. “But I’m tired of people judging how ‘good’ my GPA is by its number. It’s so much more complicated than that. We belong together and my parents’ superficial values will not get in our way.”
Austin’s parents expressed their concern in a press release earlier this week. “Tony and I have nothing against Tyler’s choices. With him going to school in Manhattan, that liberal petri dish of a borough, we shouldn’t be surprised,” said Tyler’s mother Charlotte Austin. “We just feel that our son should be looking at…a more mature grade range, is all.”
Austin’s father agrees. “Look, I support the slacker community. I mean, I had tons of friends with low GPAs in college. Tons!” said Austin’s father. “I’ve got nothing against low GPAs, but NOT for my little Tyler.”
“They may seem accepting but they’re prejudiced and I know it. They took me aside before and asked me if I wanted to transfer to a school that’s more ‘my speed’ so I could get the grades I’m used to,” said Austin. “If they got to know my GPA more personally, they’d accept our relationship for what it is—love.”
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