HAMILTON HALL – Well-placed sources have confirmed that Maureen Robertson CC’ 20, is currently engaged in a furious battle of wills with her cold in Section 78 of Masterpieces of Western Literature and Philosophy.
Robertson, who reportedly first fell ill a week ago, has already coughed on sixteen separate occasions in class, over the course of several fits. Eyewitnesses report that Robertson, faced with steadily building self-consciousness, has attempted to restrain her outbursts with increasing ferocity.
“The effort is honestly impressive,” said Stacy Goldman CC ‘20, a classmate. “I think her eyes bulged so much she popped a blood vessel.”
Reporters managed to secure a brief interview with the afflicted freshman between attacks. “I know I’ve already coughed 16 times, goddamn it, but 17 is one too many,” Robertson told reporters. “I mean, these people must think I’m so weird, you know, being sick. Gosh, I’m actually so embarrassed.”
When asked why she had not excused herself to cough in the hallway, Robertson snapped, “I mean, obviously I didn’t. That’s just so disruptive, you know? Getting up just draws so much attention, and I don’t want them all to glare at me with their if-I-have-to-read-one-more-goddamn-page-of-Confessions-I-am-going-to-transfer faces.”
Statements from Robertson’s instructor, David Rodriguez, appear to confirm the young student’s worst fears. “Honestly, I think Maureen’s comments are valuable contributions to our discussion, but the coughing has utterly destroyed my opinion of her. I’m afraid I’ll have to consider docking her grade.”
Elizabeth Jasons CC ‘20 added, “Yeah, no, we’re all definitely looking at her. It’s like a train wreck, except contagious. You just can’t tear your eyes away.”
Other classmates are less than appreciative of Robertson’s tireless efforts to be inconspicuous. “God, what an inconsiderate bitch,” Jacob Martinez CC ‘20 told reporters. “Having the nerve to be sick like that. How am I supposed to grasp the foundations of Western culture if this girl is coughing up a lung in the background?”
The Center for the Core Curriculum is currently considering quarantining Robertson in the basement of Kent with instructor Jacob Rooney, who has been deathly ill since attempting to eat his copy of the Iliad to avoid dropping $10 on a sandwich in Butler.
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