After numerous demands for Columbia’s Days on Campus program to be more extensive, specific, and inclusive of the diverse subgroups of prospective CU students, the Office of Campus Affairs has unveiled a revamped series of themed ‘…on Campus’ events aimed at allaying these concerns:
Ashtrays on Campus: A comprehensive tour of Columbia’s designated smoking[1] areas.
Baes on Campus: Long-distance romantic partners are invited to visit; roommates will be temporarily stashed in Butler 209.[2]
Berets on Campus: Prospective Parisian students visit, sneer at our subway trains, shamefully ingest our Subway® baguettes.
Daze on Campus: Also known as Bacchanal.
Delays on Campus: Prospective students are challenged with reaching their internships on time just as the 1 train stops running in both directions.
Glaze on Campus[3]: Prospective students experience the classic east coast sensation, Dunkin Donuts®.
Graze on Campus: Ever wanted to know what it’s like to be a cow peacefully grazing on a lawn, only to be violently whisked away to the bowels of an abattoir? Well now you, along with unsuspecting prospective students, can. In partnership with JJ’s.
Greys on Campus: For prospective General Studies students.
Haze on Campus[4]
Lay’s® on Campus: Also in partnership with JJ’s.
Mail Gays[5] on Campus: Prospective students visit the ‘Package Center’ while current students’ gay mail-order husbands arrive.
Malaise on Campus: Prospective students are encouraged to visit during Orgo Night.
Maze on Campus: A guided[6] building tour for prospective SIPA students.
NRA’s on Campus: But no one else will be.
Oy Veys on Campus: “[SIGH] It’s just another sleepaway camp.” –Executive Director, Foundation for Jewish Camp.
Paraphrase on Campus: Prospective students are invited to try their hand at a University Writing essay.
Surveys on Campus: A week where prospective students get accustomed to dealing with the constant stream of sexual violence questionnaires.
[1] Cigarette smoking, that is; as always, pot must be consumed clandestinely lest you be seen irreversibly damaging your health.
[2] Alternative housing may be sought at the Pupin labs.
[3] Not to be confused with Dean Valentini’s nightly ritual of a slightly more erotic nature.
[4] Cancelled due to liability issues.
[5] Formerly ‘Male Gaze’; cancelled due to liability issues.
[6] …but not accurate…
