After the careless consideration of the candidates and their respective platforms, the editorial board of the Federalist has decided to endorse Andre Adams and Iqraz Nanji for CCSC Student Body President and VP of Policy, respectively, both of the N/A Party.
Our decision stems from a fundamental question: what do you want out of your student government? Do you want experienced candidates who are dedicated to making small, but significant progress in addressing the numerous grievances that the student body has with the university, or do you want joke candidates who make you laugh for maybe 30 seconds in the week leading into the election, then bungle their way through an entire year of responsibility that they weren’t ready for? This publication’s business model relies on incompetence in student government in order to continue satirizing its incompetence. Without thoroughly underqualified candidates, we cannot hope to publish the high quality satire that you’ve come to expect from us over the years.
Now, election laws prevent us from engaging in ad hominem attacks on other candidates. We could not, for example, say that our opponents like to eat boogers. This allegation, true or otherwise, would distract from the substantive policy discussions that are meant to take place for these oh-so important elections. However, to validate the qualifications of the N/A Party candidates, we will say definitively that Andre and Iqraz eat hardly any boogers.
While concerns about the ethics of candidates using their own publication for self-promotion may be well-founded, Adams is simply following a proud tradition of Jews exercising outsize political influence over the media (Google it).
In addition, as the only Jewish-Muslim ticket in this election, the N/A party stands the best chance of any ticket of resolving not only the differences between SJP and JStreet, but indeed the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
However, it is more than mere comradery compelling us to endorse Adams and Nanji. The N/A Party effectively addresses the real concerns of the Columbia Community.
The Barnard Wall, in separating Barnard from the CC Community, will Make Columbia Celibate Again, allowing students to spend more time on their schoolwork and internship searches.
The Adderall for AdderAll Program, which would increase CPS Availability to students and encourage university psychiatrists to prescribe study drugs liberally, will help level the playing field with wealthy students who can afford a visit to a boutique psychiatrist.
The Planes for McShane Program would provide public safety with funding to create a drone program, assuaging community concerns about a lack of safety on campus and a lack of cool videos providing flyover tours of campus.
The Meaningless Titles for All Program would radically expand the number of class representatives in the CCSC, allowing students the distinction of putting Class Representative on their resumes without needing to lie about their commitment to Student Government or put in all that much work to achieve that title.
In conclusion, the N/A Party combines the lack of experience, unrealistic proposals, and general incompetence that the Federalist has come to expect of its CCSC Representatives. We encourage our readers to support them in the election on April 4, otherwise we will consider them establishment shills and not at all cool. If you need further proof of their caliber as candidates, tune into their debate performances on Sunday to see them hungover and bumbling through their poorly-rehearsed lines.
