The Columbia Federalist

November 19, 2024November 19, 2024

BREAKING: Single Hamster Wheel That Powers Columbia Registration Just Derailed

Like clockwork, Columbia’s class registration system has shut down as students try to select their classes for the Spring semester. An anonymous employee of the Registrar’s Office told The Federalist that the…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Attorney General Appointee Matt Gaetz to Form Student Initiative With Columbia University

by Maddy Manning-Bi

November 18, 2024November 18, 2024

President-elect Donald Trump recently nominated U.S. Representative Matt Gaetz to be the…

Articles/On Campus/Opinion

Op-ed: Increase Number of Tours So I Can Keep Feeling Superior At Them

by Victor Uceda-Sosa

November 17, 2024November 18, 2024

There’s nothing quite like the rush of walking past a group of…

Articles/Breaking/On Campus

Columbia Makes Butler Stacks Open 24/7 to Increase Legacy Student Production

by James Coppersmith

November 14, 2024November 14, 2024

Columbia University Facilities announced this morning that the Butler Library stacks will…

Articles/Breaking/On Campus/Sports

Columbia Reveals New Nonchalant Mascot

by Kimberly Wing

November 12, 2024November 12, 2024

In preparation for Homecoming, Columbia University’s Board of Trustees have announced their plans to retire Roar-ee and replace him with a new, very chill mascot. This decision comes after controversy over the…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Politics

White House Stocks Up on Coloring Books and Crayons to Prepare for Trump’s Second Term

by Inica Kotasthane

November 11, 2024November 11, 2024

While White House staff has been dreading the return of President-elect Donald Trump, they acknowledge that they are better equipped to handle his needs this time around. In preparation for Trump’s second…

Articles/New York City

New York City Pumps Scent of Campfire Into Air for Post-Election Comfort

by Livy Molko

November 10, 2024November 10, 2024

The quiet comfort of a fireplace, the nostalgic joy of making smores, the primal warmth of sitting around a campfire—we all know the feeling. With the overwhelming atmosphere of post-election grief and…

Articles/Food and Drink/Minouche Shafik/Opinion

Op-Ed: Oh, so NOW you like it when a billion-dollar organization buys out property in Upper Manhattan?!

by Minouche Shafik

November 7, 2024November 7, 2024

Oh, I get it now. So when the university displaces local businesses and homes to expand our educational capabilities, and I suppose our modest real estate portfolio, it’s worth years of protests…

Articles/Business/Politics

President Biden To Become A SoulCycle Instructor Upon Retirement From Public Service

by Quinn Snyder

November 5, 2024November 5, 2024

In his last press conference as the sitting President of the United States, President Biden announced that he had finalized a deal with the fitness company SoulCycle to join the team as…

Articles/New York City/Politics

Funniest Outcome Possible: Trump to Drop Out of Presidential Race, Battle Hilary Clinton in NYC Mayoral Race

by Dani Winkler

November 3, 2024November 3, 2024

On Sunday, former President Donald Trump announced that he was dropping out of the upcoming presidential election. Instead, Trump will be switching races to run for the seat of NYC mayor in…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Politics

JD Vance Spotted at Hell’s Kitchen Gay Bar Bear Night

by Reza Shayesteh

November 2, 2024November 3, 2024

On Saturday, numerous Columbia twinks gave reports that they saw Senator JD Vance dancing alone at Hardware, a famous Hell’s Kitchen queer bar. According to one particularly disgusted bar patron, Vance was…

Articles/Breaking/Politics

J.D. Vance Gives Exclusive Interview on Abortion: “gbkdfhgiruegfkwh”

by Olivia Ruble

November 1, 2024November 1, 2024

Columbia Federalist reporters were lucky to catch Ohio-native, congressman, and vice-president-hopeful J.D. Vance on his way home from the furniture store and asked him a few questions in advance of the general…

Articles/Opinion/Sports

Opinion: 4-1 is Actually Pretty Good Outcome If You Read It as GPA

by Aron Shklar and Bayan Shimizu

October 31, 2024October 31, 2024

So, the Yankees lost the World Series. You spent all that time learning player names so you could pretend to be a fan when they won, but then the Yankees lost. But…

Advice/Articles/Style

Fed’s Guide to Hottest Halloween Costumes

by Sylvi Stein

October 31, 2024October 31, 2024

It’s that time of year again… your Butler crush has seen you in full cruddy midterms glory, that one JJs guy knows you by name, and your fall wardrobe is in free-fall…

Articles/Minouche Shafik/On Campus

PrezStrong Reportedly “a Little Too Excited” About Her Minouche Shafik Costume

by James Coppersmith

October 30, 2024October 30, 2024

President Armstrong has reportedly been what many call “a little too excited” about the Minouche Shafik Halloween costume she recently put together at Party City. Many of her known associates have reported…

Articles/New York City/Politics

Trump Campaign Attempts to Dispel Backlash From Calling Puerto Rico an “Island of Garbage”: “We Meant to Say Long Island”

by Federalist Staff

October 29, 2024October 29, 2024

After enormous media backlash for derogatory remarks made by a comedian at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally on Sunday including calling Puerto Rico an “island of garbage,” the former president’s campaign has…

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