“If Mother Teresa can be a saint, so can this sandwich."
Activism by any means possible.
"If anything, data suggests that these little fuckers are actually getting dumber with every passing year.”
"Remember the fallen comrades in classes with an undergraduate-determined curve."
Moving one’s bowels is like real estate—it’s all about location, location, location!
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
"It is not just a pathetic excuse for a meal; it is an affront to the values upheld by our well-nourished Founding Fathers."
"I don’t pay nearly $70,000 a year to go more than a week without being offended."
"I've never met more flabby human beings, except for every other semester I've taught here."
"The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut."
"I was ordered to teach a class of 18-year-old little shits some easy beach reads, like the Iliad and To the Fucking Lighthouse."
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."
Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.
They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.
“We’ve made a 10-part slideshow to explain the school’s decision, and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”
Looking for a way to procrastinate?
Not all heroes wear capes.
It shattered all the records.
On some occasions, she pays her creative writing major friend $20 a day to sit in for her.
Good luck on finals.
You can get out of it by making enough money to slap your name on a library.
"Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously.”
"These kids are fat little bastards.”
These pups are cute, cuddly, and passionate about collective bargaining!
"I could literally see him objectify me as he explained Planck’s constant."
"Once you get hooked, it isn’t long before you’re dropping all your breakfast swipes on drinkable yogurt."
"You haven’t touched me in weeks. What happened to us?"