He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”