"A couple people even took the fliers I printed out in Butler this morning, so I think the word is really starting to get out.”
“You set out thinking you’ll check one quick fact, and before you know it, you’re asking yourself, ‘Hmm, what is brutalism really?’"
“Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
"If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
"Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, 'Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.'”
“I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath...but it was nowhere to be found."
“I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”
"It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
"Program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95."
"I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“Let’s not mince words: the students at this school are fugly."
“If Mother Teresa can be a saint, so can this sandwich."
Activism by any means possible.
"If anything, data suggests that these little fuckers are actually getting dumber with every passing year.”
"Remember the fallen comrades in classes with an undergraduate-determined curve."
Moving one’s bowels is like real estate—it’s all about location, location, location!
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
"It is not just a pathetic excuse for a meal; it is an affront to the values upheld by our well-nourished Founding Fathers."
"I don’t pay nearly $70,000 a year to go more than a week without being offended."
"I've never met more flabby human beings, except for every other semester I've taught here."
"The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut."
"I was ordered to teach a class of 18-year-old little shits some easy beach reads, like the Iliad and To the Fucking Lighthouse."
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."
Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.
They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.
“We’ve made a 10-part slideshow to explain the school’s decision, and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”
Looking for a way to procrastinate?