“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
"I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."
"Needless to say, somebody’s getting an A in participation.”
"According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus."
“Why would you wake up on a Saturday to go look at some big-ass dinosaur?"
"He’s deep, he’s sensitive, he’s intellectual, and he’s the only person on this campus who TRULY appreciates the Smiths.”
"It’s typically expected that those of a more conservative persuasion will look towards some one-room schoolhouse on the prairie, like Dartmouth.”
"Foolishly, Paul spent the entire interaction hoping that you would eventually answer his 'How are you doing today?'"
"I pray that my other students will follow Ronald’s example and one day fulfill the classes’ minimum requirement themselves.”
“It’s important to understand the foundations of our culture, but it’s more important to understand the foundations of the culture that is about to dominate ours.”
"Take a little bird bath with her? Don’t mind if I do.”
"A couple people even took the fliers I printed out in Butler this morning, so I think the word is really starting to get out.”
“You set out thinking you’ll check one quick fact, and before you know it, you’re asking yourself, ‘Hmm, what is brutalism really?’"
“Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
"If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
"Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, 'Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.'”
“I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath...but it was nowhere to be found."
“I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”
"It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
"Program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95."
"I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“Let’s not mince words: the students at this school are fugly."