"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."
Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.
They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.
“We’ve made a 10-part slideshow to explain the school’s decision, and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”
Looking for a way to procrastinate?
Not all heroes wear capes.
It shattered all the records.
On some occasions, she pays her creative writing major friend $20 a day to sit in for her.
Good luck on finals.
You can get out of it by making enough money to slap your name on a library.
"Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously.”
"These kids are fat little bastards.”
These pups are cute, cuddly, and passionate about collective bargaining!
"I could literally see him objectify me as he explained Planck’s constant."
"Once you get hooked, it isn’t long before you’re dropping all your breakfast swipes on drinkable yogurt."
"You haven’t touched me in weeks. What happened to us?"
"I could definitely perk up, but I don’t. Because I’m a misanthropic bitch."
This debate got pretty vicious.
We've got to get him out of there.
He's just as numb on the inside.
“The old all-you-can-learn system is entirely unsuited for the savvy modern student."
Revel in the holiday spirit!
“Dodge is like, what, a block away?"
“I can’t tell you how many times I have been traumatized by seeing meatloaf."
“What you have to realize is that ‘Beta brother’ is really just a social construct.”
She euphorically closed all twelve Courseworks tabs on her computer and logged into Netflix.
"To deliver the application form, we had to climb into this dark pit and sacrifice one of our members on financial aid."
She insisted she was "learning how to learn."
"This is exactly the kind of back-of-the-envelope calculation we want our students to employ.”