HOT OFF THE PRESS
"I was ordered to teach a class of 18-year-old little shits some easy beach reads, like the Iliad and To the Fucking Lighthouse."
Gill has not showed that he is willing to stand up for justice.
Even Neville's toad.
Captives have been forced to declare their devotion to a handy tooth hygiene guide.
"My views are evolving to reflect the changing needs and perspectives of my diverse constituents," the Lord writes in a heartfelt op-ed.
Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.
"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."
"This is a beautiful connection between a man, a man, a man, another man, a woman, and me, and you need to get the fuck out."
Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.
They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.
LATEST ON THE FEED
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."
"The New Yorker spells out for me exactly how I should behave and what I should desire."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."
“Taking flight using only the motion of your penis is really all about confidence."
"Fitness freaks won’t ever have the determination needed to sustain my BMI."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
"It is not just a pathetic excuse for a meal; it is an affront to the values upheld by our well-nourished Founding Fathers."
"I don’t pay nearly $70,000 a year to go more than a week without being offended."
Gorsuch is the first Fed alumnus to land a job interview.
"Like, although I wasn’t thrilled about it, I got Obamacare because the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have dental insurance."
"I've never met more flabby human beings, except for every other semester I've taught here."
"The post-war resurgence of female domesticity? That’s my aesthetic. And, oh my god, Republican Motherhood? Now that’s a deep cut."