Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Read MoreColumbia Inter-Fraternity Council Releases New List of Feminist Drinking Games
Report: Prezbo Definitely Still Fucks
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.
Read MoreColumbia Introduces New "Cardio For Smokers" Physical Education Offering
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.
Read More"This is Gonna Be My Year", Says Person Who is Wrong
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.
Read MoreOp-Ed: Having To Go To My Classes is Fascism
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
Read MoreBoarding School Student Unsure What to Do With All His Ties
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
Read MoreFuture Promoter Recognizes His Calling After Signing Girls Into EC
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
Read MoreGS Student in Seminar Must Have Killed a Man To Be This Confident
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
Read MoreFreshman Thought He'd Be Having More Sex By Now
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
Read MorePresident Bollinger Gentrifies Wife’s Side of the Bed
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
Read MoreGulati Disentangles Ballsack on the Go Using Invisible Hand
AMSTERDAM -- Principles of Economics professor Sunil Gulati, 59, was seen this morning utilizing the invisible hand of the free market to disentangle his uncomfortably-positioned testicles.
After bystander Andrew Colon ’20 witnessed Gulati “moving awkwardly from side to side, like a cowboy,” he noticed a “clear and distinct hand-like bulge going to town down there,” despite Gulati’s own two hands remaining clearly visible.
“All this time I thought the invisible hand was just a visual metaphor for the unintended social benefits of an individual’s self-interested actions,” Colon said. “It turns out that it’s so much more. I’m glad that Columbia is really showing me how concepts in the classroom affect your day-to-day life.”
Gulati denies responsibility for the testicle repositioning, insisting the genital adjustment was performed by powers outside of his control.
“The Hand was simply adjusting my ballsack to a distribution beneficial to all individual members of the community,” Gulati explained. “It is in all of our best interests that my balls do not chafe, but I do not control the Hand. I repeat, I do not control the Hand. Individuals do not control the Hand. How many times do I have to fucking explain the Hand to you people?”
Sources close to Gulati report that despite his claims, Gulati has been using the Hand for years to scratch difficult-to-reach locations on his back and tap on people’s shoulders from afar.
CPS Replaces Counselors With a 24-Hour Loop of “Mamma Mia!”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
International Students Prepare for Another 9 Months of Clubbing
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
College Freshman Mistakes Audrey Hepburn Poster for a Personality
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”
Read MoreBreaking: Everyone On Your SSOL Waitlist Is Just a Russian Bot
Prezbo has been named an unindicted co-conspirator.
Male Gender Studies Major Just Loves Talking About Guy Shit
“You mean I can get a degree for talking about kicking it with the boys, crushing a few brews, maybe even hitting the gym?”
Read MoreSophomore Prepares for Another Year of Resume-Building Extracurriculars
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
Read MoreGrad Student Union Reveals Top Demand Is Bi-Weekly Pizza Party
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
Read MoreFirst Starbucks on Great Pacific Garbage Patch Opens Doors
By George Theodosopolous
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
Read MoreDamn: Super Bats are Back in the Columbia Tunnels, and This Time, They Are Horny
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
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