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Columbia's Only Newspaper That Screams When You Burn It

Columbia's only newspaper That Screams When you burn it

The Federalist

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Columbia Inter-Fraternity Council Releases New List of Feminist Drinking Games

October 31, 2018 Mimi Evans
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Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.

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In On Campus Tags 3

Report: Prezbo Definitely Still Fucks

October 24, 2018 Harrison Gale
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Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.

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In On Campus Tags 3

Columbia Introduces New "Cardio For Smokers" Physical Education Offering

October 23, 2018 Sam Millner
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Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.

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In On Campus Tags 3

"This is Gonna Be My Year", Says Person Who is Wrong

October 22, 2018 Julian Pecht
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“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.

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In On Campus Tags 3

Op-Ed: Having To Go To My Classes is Fascism

October 18, 2018 Harrison Gale
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.

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In On Campus Tags 3

Boarding School Student Unsure What to Do With All His Ties

October 17, 2018 Will Barker
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He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.

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In On Campus Tags 3

Future Promoter Recognizes His Calling After Signing Girls Into EC

October 14, 2018 Gustie Owens
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“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”

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In On Campus Tags Fed

GS Student in Seminar Must Have Killed a Man To Be This Confident

October 11, 2018 The Feditorial Board
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“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”

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In On Campus Tags Fed

Freshman Thought He'd Be Having More Sex By Now

October 10, 2018 W. Reed Simmons
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“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.

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In On Campus, Featured Tags Fed

President Bollinger Gentrifies Wife’s Side of the Bed

October 9, 2018 The Feditorial Board

“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”

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In On Campus Tags Fed

Gulati Disentangles Ballsack on the Go Using Invisible Hand

October 6, 2018 Owen Long
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AMSTERDAM -- Principles of Economics professor Sunil Gulati, 59, was seen this morning utilizing the invisible hand of the free market to disentangle his uncomfortably-positioned testicles.

After bystander Andrew Colon ’20 witnessed Gulati “moving awkwardly from side to side, like a cowboy,”  he noticed a “clear and distinct hand-like bulge going to town down there,” despite Gulati’s own two hands remaining clearly visible.  

“All this time I thought the invisible hand was just a visual metaphor for the unintended social benefits of an individual’s self-interested actions,” Colon said.  “It turns out that it’s so much more. I’m glad that Columbia is really showing me how concepts in the classroom affect your day-to-day life.”

Gulati denies responsibility for the testicle repositioning, insisting the genital adjustment was performed by powers outside of his control.

“The Hand was simply adjusting my ballsack to a distribution beneficial to all individual members of the community,” Gulati explained.  “It is in all of our best interests that my balls do not chafe, but I do not control the Hand. I repeat, I do not control the Hand. Individuals do not control the Hand. How many times do I have to fucking explain the Hand to you people?”

Sources close to Gulati report that despite his claims, Gulati has been using the Hand for years to scratch difficult-to-reach locations on his back and tap on people’s shoulders from afar.

In On Campus Tags 3

CPS Replaces Counselors With a 24-Hour Loop of “Mamma Mia!”

October 2, 2018 The Feditorial Board
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“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”

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In On Campus Tags Fed

International Students Prepare for Another 9 Months of Clubbing

September 4, 2018 Nick Ribolla
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“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”


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In On Campus Tags Fed

College Freshman Mistakes Audrey Hepburn Poster for a Personality

August 28, 2018 Mimi Evans
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“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”

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In On Campus

Breaking: Everyone On Your SSOL Waitlist Is Just a Russian Bot

August 24, 2018 Nick Ribolla
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Prezbo has been named an unindicted co-conspirator. 

In On Campus Tags 3

Male Gender Studies Major Just Loves Talking About Guy Shit

August 22, 2018 Nick Ribolla
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“You mean I can get a degree for talking about kicking it with the boys, crushing a few brews, maybe even hitting the gym?”

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In On Campus Tags Fed

Sophomore Prepares for Another Year of Resume-Building Extracurriculars

July 30, 2018 Annie Iezzi
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“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”

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In On Campus Tags 3

Grad Student Union Reveals Top Demand Is Bi-Weekly Pizza Party

April 23, 2018 Harrison Gale

“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”

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In On Campus Tags 3, April 2018

First Starbucks on Great Pacific Garbage Patch Opens Doors

April 22, 2018 Noah Harouche
By George Theodosopolous

By George Theodosopolous

“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”

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In On Campus Tags 3, April 2018

Damn: Super Bats are Back in the Columbia Tunnels, and This Time, They Are Horny

April 21, 2018 Joseph Baer
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“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”

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In On Campus Tags 3, April 2018
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