Following the assassination of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi on October 2, 2018, many have speculated that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was involved in the killing. After a year of vehemently denying these accusations, Prince Mohammed finally laid the issue to rest, admitting to accidentally murdering and dismembering the journalist.
“This has been a difficult year for us all,” said Prince Mohammed at a vigil held by Khashoggi’s friends and family. “I miss Jamal dearly and I struggle to comprehend why such a good-hearted, insightful, honest man was taken from us in this way. Not a moment has passed since his death that I haven’t spent thinking of him.”
The prince then addressed the elephant in the room, saying, “Recently, I came to a shocking and disturbing revelation that I feel the need to share with all of you. Contrary to my prior understanding of the situation, it has been brought to my attention that I accidentally ordered the brutal murder of Jamal Khashoggi, as well as the subsequent dismemberment and disposal of his body.”
As an uneasy murmur began to ripple through the crowd, Prince Mohammed desperately tried to explain himself. “I have never had anything but good wishes for Khashoggi,” he said. “Although, yes, in 2017 I may have threatened to take him out ‘with a bullet,’ I never sought such a violent outcome. All I had in mind was a minor to moderate flesh wound — I just wanted to give him a little warning.”
Prince Mohammed continued: “So you can imagine my surprise when Khashoggi suddenly vanished and all fingers were pointed at me. I promise you, I had no recollection of any involvement until recently, and spoke honestly when addressing such suspicions. It took me a long time to see the situation clearly and accept my role in it.
“The past year has been confusing, with my staff constantly referencing how I apparently told them to ‘beat that WashPost fucker into another dimension’ and ‘filet him like sushi.’ I guess these were all hints that I might have had something to do with Khashoggi’s death, but it wasn’t until last week that everything clicked.”
“I was Marie-Kondo-ing my house—or, rather, my servants were—when I came across a grimy-looking bone saw. Suddenly, it all came rushing back and I remembered that I may have, as a figure of speech, expressed a somewhat dark inner fantasy of mine. Basically, in a moment of weakness, I jokingly gave my men explicit directions about how to kill and dispose of Khashoggi. I guess they took it seriously—not the slightest idea why—and I only realized when it was too late. But, like I said, it was clearly an accident, and while I am of course sad, I have a clear conscience.”
Several days later, in an actual real-life interview with 60 Minutes, Prince Mohammed explained that “Even prophets make mistakes,” but “the important thing is that we learn from these mistakes and not repeat them.”
As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”