WHITE HOUSE -- In a tweet posted at 5:30 pm ET on Thursday, President Trump announced that, effective immediately, his son Barron, 12, will be removed from his position as First Son, and that Canadian child actor Jacob Tremblay will fill the vacancy.
"BARRON TRUMP is a true PATRIOT who has served America admirably in his time in office," the president's tweet read. "After productive talks, he has asked to resign. JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
A contradictory report has emerged, stating that Barron, rather than offering his resignation, learned of his removal from the president's tweet. Within an hour of the news being released, Barron returned to his bedroom, and began methodically packing his Bionicle collection into his White House-stamped luggage. He then removed his Aaron Judge and Kristaps Porzingis posters from the walls, revealing the profanity-laced graffiti left by Jenna Bush.
At press time, an impeccably clad Tremblay had arrived at the White House, and was seen playfully mugging in the open panel beneath the president's Oval Office desk.
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Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
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