After a brief and terrifying phone call from his mother, first year student Myles Dungan emerged from his bedroom with a mandate to increase his vegetable intake, the one food group that cannot be found at JJ’s.
Dungan’s actions reflect a larger trend of poor nutrition choices among columbia freshmen that has only grown in past years. “People forget how freshmen in college are still essentially children and they make their dietary decisions as such, especially the boys. Their metabolism hasn’t slowed enough to become the gross monsters they will be in their mid-30s,” said Vicki Dunn, Director of Columbia Dining.
Although Dungan had not touched a vegetable since his arrival at Columbia in September, the words of his mother and his doctor finally convinced him that vitamin A was, in fact, a necessary part of a human being’s diet and threats of pending impotence got him off his ass.
During his next foray into John Jay dining hall, Dungan approached a new section of the eating establishment, the one that contained color. Filled with a sense of childlike wonder, he picked up a carrot and delicately placed it on his tongue.
The foreign taste, however, was too overwhelming for the young lad. His tongue was on fire! Immediately, he spit it out. Carrot flew everywhere and the pretentious vegans circled like a pack of emaciated hyenas, cackling at his failure. Spectators claim that a whole section of the food area reeked of sadness.
Dejected, Dungan slunk back to his table carrying his pasta and grilled cheese, a plate of complete and utter blandness, an accurate representation of Dugan’s personality.
To alleviate his stress, Dungan ventured outside and took a pull of his juul, the vape of the next generation or drug addicts. Suddenly, as the semi-fatal vapor coursed into his lungs and delivered a straight shot of nicotine to his bloodstream, the entrepreneurial Dungan was hit with a brilliant idea: he didn’t need carrots or any vegetables at all! He could just smoke cucumber juul pods for the rest of his life. After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right?
Doesn’t matter. From that day forward, Dugan resolved to go through one cucumber pod a day. He juuled outside Butler, he juuled inside Butler; he was unstoppable.
Now, Dungan is the healthiest boy at Columbia and regarded as the coolest person in New York City by his classmates.