Ben Bennett CC ’18 recently passed away in an East Campus hallway outside the sailing team semi-formal, where guests had proclaimed him the “life of the party.”
Bennett, who an hour earlier had screamed “YOLO” before opening a Natty Light with his head, was discovered lying face-down next to a vomit-encrusted bottle of Voda.
In interviews with friends, the most frequently used phrases to describe Bennett were “absolute savage” and “the fucking plug,” among others. “He just breathed life into every room he went,” related Ethan Greenberg CC ‘18, who attempted to administer CPR on Bennett after discovering him cold and lifeless on the ground.
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"