I should have been more careful lacing them up. I should have taken my time. But I didn’t, and now my left Bean boot is too tight and my right Bean boot is too loose and goddamn. I take them out, try to re-lace, but the laces are set in their ways: they’re all bended, and now it’s over. I’ll just have to suffer. Can you feel my pain?
Planet Earth II Might Feature a Jaguar Eating a Dog
Look, I’m going to be honest on this one: I don’t know how the sequence ended. But what I do know is that midway through the sixth episode, “Cities,” the cameras track some jaguars in an Indian city that are trying to hunt stray dogs. I’m not quite sure the predators were actually jaguars, or that there were more than one, or that it took place in India, but what I am sure of is that some big-ass cat was trying to eat innocent dogs. I don’t want to watch that. No one does. Who thought that was a good idea for a segment? And I can’t even finish the episode now, because I don’t even want to fast forward through a dog being attacked. Christ in heaven.
Relatedly, My Own Dog Keeps Hogging the TV Room Chair
She’s less than two feet long and weighs barely 11 pounds. How does she weasel her way into covering up the whole chair? And why can’t I make myself move her? Are human beings really so weak that a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel can dominate the household? Is it just me?
Impending North Korean Nuclear Annihilation
You get the gist on this one.
In Other News
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.