I should have been more careful lacing them up. I should have taken my time. But I didn’t, and now my left Bean boot is too tight and my right Bean boot is too loose and goddamn. I take them out, try to re-lace, but the laces are set in their ways: they’re all bended, and now it’s over. I’ll just have to suffer. Can you feel my pain?
Planet Earth II Might Feature a Jaguar Eating a Dog
Look, I’m going to be honest on this one: I don’t know how the sequence ended. But what I do know is that midway through the sixth episode, “Cities,” the cameras track some jaguars in an Indian city that are trying to hunt stray dogs. I’m not quite sure the predators were actually jaguars, or that there were more than one, or that it took place in India, but what I am sure of is that some big-ass cat was trying to eat innocent dogs. I don’t want to watch that. No one does. Who thought that was a good idea for a segment? And I can’t even finish the episode now, because I don’t even want to fast forward through a dog being attacked. Christ in heaven.
Relatedly, My Own Dog Keeps Hogging the TV Room Chair
She’s less than two feet long and weighs barely 11 pounds. How does she weasel her way into covering up the whole chair? And why can’t I make myself move her? Are human beings really so weak that a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel can dominate the household? Is it just me?
Impending North Korean Nuclear Annihilation
You get the gist on this one.
In Other News
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.