I should have been more careful lacing them up. I should have taken my time. But I didn’t, and now my left Bean boot is too tight and my right Bean boot is too loose and goddamn. I take them out, try to re-lace, but the laces are set in their ways: they’re all bended, and now it’s over. I’ll just have to suffer. Can you feel my pain?
Planet Earth II Might Feature a Jaguar Eating a Dog
Look, I’m going to be honest on this one: I don’t know how the sequence ended. But what I do know is that midway through the sixth episode, “Cities,” the cameras track some jaguars in an Indian city that are trying to hunt stray dogs. I’m not quite sure the predators were actually jaguars, or that there were more than one, or that it took place in India, but what I am sure of is that some big-ass cat was trying to eat innocent dogs. I don’t want to watch that. No one does. Who thought that was a good idea for a segment? And I can’t even finish the episode now, because I don’t even want to fast forward through a dog being attacked. Christ in heaven.
Relatedly, My Own Dog Keeps Hogging the TV Room Chair
She’s less than two feet long and weighs barely 11 pounds. How does she weasel her way into covering up the whole chair? And why can’t I make myself move her? Are human beings really so weak that a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel can dominate the household? Is it just me?
Impending North Korean Nuclear Annihilation
You get the gist on this one.
In Other News
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."