I should have been more careful lacing them up. I should have taken my time. But I didn’t, and now my left Bean boot is too tight and my right Bean boot is too loose and goddamn. I take them out, try to re-lace, but the laces are set in their ways: they’re all bended, and now it’s over. I’ll just have to suffer. Can you feel my pain?
Planet Earth II Might Feature a Jaguar Eating a Dog
Look, I’m going to be honest on this one: I don’t know how the sequence ended. But what I do know is that midway through the sixth episode, “Cities,” the cameras track some jaguars in an Indian city that are trying to hunt stray dogs. I’m not quite sure the predators were actually jaguars, or that there were more than one, or that it took place in India, but what I am sure of is that some big-ass cat was trying to eat innocent dogs. I don’t want to watch that. No one does. Who thought that was a good idea for a segment? And I can’t even finish the episode now, because I don’t even want to fast forward through a dog being attacked. Christ in heaven.
Relatedly, My Own Dog Keeps Hogging the TV Room Chair
She’s less than two feet long and weighs barely 11 pounds. How does she weasel her way into covering up the whole chair? And why can’t I make myself move her? Are human beings really so weak that a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel can dominate the household? Is it just me?
Impending North Korean Nuclear Annihilation
You get the gist on this one.
In Other News
Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."
"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”