Dear Livid Readers,
Childhood is a state of mind, a state of being, and indubitably not the state of Montana. Some of us may have been children in the past, while others, such as Stephen Miller, were secreted from a convulsing, oozing pustule as fully-clothed, quivering men. The two of us are admittedly of the former group, and today, we gaze back upon our years of bare genitalia with deep fondness. The fleeting tastes of summer dance upon our tongues, creating a delightful harmony of ice pops, barbecue, and our fathers’ virulent cigar breaths. We recall the bliss accompanying the season’s first snowfall, and the disappointment when the blade of our sled detached, impaling Dylan Weber. But indeed, age has granted us perspective. We have regrets, some of which we will now convey to you in the hopes that you, captive reader, can learn from our wisdom. Thus, in hindsight, we wish that:
We had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood.
We had learned how to Dougie, and thus finally impressed Rebecca Diorne.
We didn’t burn that fire ant with a magnifying glass in third grade.
We didn’t burn that opossum with a magnifying glass in fifth grade.
Our bedroom walls were not adorned with kissed posters of Stone Phillips.
We didn’t burn Mr. Garcia with a soldering iron in eighth grade.
We wasted our tenth birthday wish on world peace instead of an iPod Nano.
We shoplifted the sexiest Cabbage Patch Kid we could find at Toys ‘R Us instead of just asking our father for access to his Brazzers account.
We hadn’t spent an hour and a half in 2010 watching Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.
We more actively protested the anti-Semitism inherent in the gym class game “Steal the Bacon.”
We attended that Simple Plan concert when we had the chance.
Peace, Love, and Radical Podiatry,
In Other News
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."