After perpetrating a suicide car bombing in Brooklyn in hopes of meeting the 72 virgins promised, terrorist Amir al-Nasir was revived in an Art of Engineering classroom. His supposed cadaver, donated to Columbia shortly after the incident, came gasping back from flatline halfway through the lecture.
“I was definitely pretty upset at first,” al-Nasir said. “But after taking a closer look, there were two or three virgins with some potential in there if I lowered my standards a little. And there were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
When asked to compare the situation with his expectations, he said the main difference was “acne, lots and lots of acne.”
Despite coming to terms with the virgin supply, al-Nasir said he found the class disappointing and not what he had expected from an Ivy League institution.
“At first, I was excited to attend an engineering core class, but the lecture quality was just poor,” al-Nasir said. “Honestly, I would have taken a Lit Hum class over this. I’ll give it a couple weeks, but I don’t see myself attending lecture much after that.”
So far, al-Nasir’s efforts to interact with the Art of Engineering virgins have been met with rejection, as the students awkwardly avoid eye contact or walk in the other direction when he approaches.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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