LEWISOHN — Reports indicate that Jeffrey Alvins, GS ‘20, has been hanging out with the regular undergraduates at Columbia College, SEAS, and Barnard College so often and with such tenacity that he is now actually considered one of them. The 28 year old former mall cop is ecstatic about his new role as “one of the boys.” Jeffrey seems to have made his entrée to the younger groups by exploring meme pages and reddit to find relatable content to tweet. He has shattered this glass ceiling for GS students by doing the impossible: staying clean shaven.
“I never really got the undergraduate experience since I had to keep working after high school, so when I finally made it here I was desperate to find that more youthful side of myself” said Alvins, unprompted. “Everyone here has been very accepting, especially once I started masking my deeply conservative politics and general attitude toward freshmen girls.” Alvins left the interview early to go toss the disc with his “homies” on Butler Lawn, despite having torn both of his rotator cuffs.
Alvins’ other undergrad friends seem to generally enjoy his presence. “Jeff is a good guy and actually quite the chiller” said Darius Xi CC ‘20. “At first I was like, woah, this dude is super old and shit. But then I was like, damn, he can just destroy beers and has a few cool stories. Next thing you know, I’m his plus one to all the weddings he gets invited to, and let me tell you, those things are lit.”
“I’m not too sure about Jeff,” said Isabelle Dyers, SEAS ‘20. “Ever since he joined our group, we’ve been going to sketchier and sketchier places with him. First it was fine, the crowd at Lion’s Head was a bit older than at least I was used to, but last night he took us to what I can only describe as a former crack den now turned cantina. Why? He wanted to hear an old flame from high school try to sing over the sounds of multiple bar fights. If this is what being a grown-up is, then you can count me out.”
The School of General Studies has picked up on Alvins’ story and is now planning to use it in application materials. A representative from the school said “We’re just so proud to finally have one that infiltrated the ranks of the other undergrads. Normally, our students are dismissed right away because, well, they’re old as shit. But Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here.”