Mouth to Mouth from CAVA.
That paramedic you’ve been eyeing lecherously on your way back from Mel’s each friday night? Just chug a full handle of Voda and they’ll be on you like white on rice.
Stroking the Ferris employees’ hand as you give them your ID.
You’d be surprised how much they want it too.
Block the left door of Hamilton with your fat, shitty body.
All those freshies leaving Lit Hum. The Slavic studies majors shuffling along. Catch their body heat, limited as it may be due to the rampant anemia. Let it nourish you. Feast on it.
Feel the life drain from you as you stare into the dreamy eyes of your practitioner. They’re inside you, and they’re as acutely aware of that fact as you are.
Stand in the middle of Ferris at 7 PM on Monday.
Nothing like the sweet nectar of the unwashed masses brushing up against you NON-STOP. You’ll be more intimate with the scrawny math major ahead of you in the soup line than you’ve probably been with any other human being anyways.
Befriend the raccoons in Riverside.These little furry friends won’t judge your friday night plans. And in case you needed another incentive, cases of rabies are at an all-time low!
Call the RA on Duty.
They’re legally required to at least give you a hug or something if you show up crying. Maybe more if you’re really upset.
Go to office hours with “that” TA.
You know the one. The further away any deadlines are, the fewer people will be there, if you catch my drift.
Come to a Federalist meeting.
Bonus points if you show up in your birthday suit.
Feel the residual warmth of a recently used Dodge elliptical.
Inhale in ecstasy as a token of appreciation before they walk away.
Lead a Columbia admissions tour.
I’ll help you get in, if you’ll help me.
Conserve water by sharing showers with your roommates.
It’s not weird if it’s good for the environment.
Embrace the invisible hand of the market.
You supply, they demand.
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
I named the protagonist after myself so you’d notice.