LERNER CINEMA -- In recent weeks, prompted by student dissatisfaction with campus mental health services, CPS has unrolled major policy changes and replaced its existing counseling system with a 24-hour loop of Mamma Mia! connected to its phone line.
CPS associate director Sara Bergman released a statement explaining the reform:
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system,” Bergman wrote in the statement. “We have no idea why this might be, but we launched a comprehensive evaluation of our counseling staff to pretend we’re listening to student concerns. After reviewing the results, we decided the most effective reform would be to fire all of our counselors and replace them with a 24-hour loop of Mamma Mia! We’ll also give students with more serious mental health concerns exclusive access to all-day screenings of Mamma Mia! Here we Go Again!”
The recent changes have been extremely popular with the student body. “This is a fantastic shift in policy,” said Darla Elden CC ’20. “I’ve wasted hours of my life trying to get an appointment at CPS and am ecstatic they’ve replaced their mediocre counseling services with this. I’ve battled with my mental health during my time at Columbia, but there’s truly no problem the sweet melodies of Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! can’t fix.”
The remaining staff of CPS are excited by, though wary of, this positive reception.
“Who knew helping students make positive changes to their mental health could be so rewarding?” CPS medical director Melanie Jacoby said. “This was never intended as a permanent service. We’ve tried recommending that students wean off ABBA and towards a more stable life after six full viewings of the film, but when I suggested this to one student, she screamed ‘WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME?’”
Despite positive feedback from students, many recently-fired CPS counselors are upset by the changes.
“I have a PhD from Yale in psychology, and now I’m auditioning for an amateur production of Mamma Mia in Cleveland, Ohio,” one previous therapist said. She could later be heard screaming at a cat in the street about how Amanda Seyfried ruined her life.
In light of the success of this initiative, CPS reportedly plans to open a new helpline playing a constant loop of Beyoncé classics.