EAST CAMPUS-- A week into the semester, Jared Chase CC ’19 was returning to his dorm at about 11:45 PM on a Thursday to find a mob of black-tube-top-mom-jean-clad Barnard girls lining up in the EC entryway like lemmings. Mr. Chase, a self-proclaimed male feminist, recognized patriarchal injustice when he saw it. He approached two Barnard women, draped an arm around each of them, and guided them toward the sign-in desk.
“It was a rush,” Chase remarked about his first sign-in experience. “My blood was really pumping as I shepherded them through the EC turnstile. I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’ And then thinking, ‘How can I have this feeling everyday without tons of cocaine?’”
Soon, Chase began lurking in the EC lobby every weekend to sign Barnard girls in, attracting large crowds of swipe-hungry women. Many eyewitnesses report seeing Mr. Chase hovering on the fringes of the crowd, wearing tight black jeans and a disturbingly low V-neck and holding his ID card at the ready.
“I have such little consistency in my life,” Veronica Spencer SEAS ‘19 said. “But at least I know that if I come back late from Butler on a Thursday, Jared will be outside of EC, waiting to make intense eye contact with me and then look away quickly.”
“I had genuine power,” said Chase, leaning against the EC staircase and letting out a cloud of Juul vapor. “It wasn’t long before I saw that I could use my talents to make a better gender ratio for parties in my suite. And after weeks of exploiting my Columbia ID to lure women into my acapella group’s bangers, I realized I’d found a genuine life passion.”
Soon, Chase was spending his Saturdays begging his female friends to “put on something tight and come to Marquee” and pleading with his suitemates to buy a table. He even changed his major from English literature to Econ. “I gotta learn how to manage all the fat stacks I’ll be making,” Chase said. When asked how much money he’d made so far, he declined to comment, but his suitemate mouthed “zero dollars” from behind his back.
Mr. Chase’s parents declined to comment for this article and are apparently still not returning Mr. Chase’s calls.