As one of the premier non-state sponsored publications still permitted in Turkey, the Federalist reached out to President Tayyip Erdogan for his advice on having a healthy and happy 2018.
1. Organize a weird coup against yourself.
Those dog days of summer are when you can really fall into a rut. A good way to keep your mind and body active during those lazy months is to covertly launch a one-day attempt to overthrow your own government and get those power-consolidating juices flowing.
2. Purge all of the negative energy and dissent from your life.
Ugh, who needs nay-sayers? You are a beautiful and intelligent person; you know what’s best for you.
3. Bet against the Knicks.
Seriously, fuck Enes Kanter. That guy sucks, what a jabroni. And it’s the Knicks, so they’re going to implode.
4. Kill the author of this article.
He’s a Jew? Even better.
5. Smoke outside of Butler.
It is the way of our people.
In Other News
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.