As one of the premier non-state sponsored publications still permitted in Turkey, the Federalist reached out to President Tayyip Erdogan for his advice on having a healthy and happy 2018.
1. Organize a weird coup against yourself.
Those dog days of summer are when you can really fall into a rut. A good way to keep your mind and body active during those lazy months is to covertly launch a one-day attempt to overthrow your own government and get those power-consolidating juices flowing.
2. Purge all of the negative energy and dissent from your life.
Ugh, who needs nay-sayers? You are a beautiful and intelligent person; you know what’s best for you.
3. Bet against the Knicks.
Seriously, fuck Enes Kanter. That guy sucks, what a jabroni. And it’s the Knicks, so they’re going to implode.
4. Kill the author of this article.
He’s a Jew? Even better.
5. Smoke outside of Butler.
It is the way of our people.
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”