As one of the premier non-state sponsored publications still permitted in Turkey, the Federalist reached out to President Tayyip Erdogan for his advice on having a healthy and happy 2018.
1. Organize a weird coup against yourself.
Those dog days of summer are when you can really fall into a rut. A good way to keep your mind and body active during those lazy months is to covertly launch a one-day attempt to overthrow your own government and get those power-consolidating juices flowing.
2. Purge all of the negative energy and dissent from your life.
Ugh, who needs nay-sayers? You are a beautiful and intelligent person; you know what’s best for you.
3. Bet against the Knicks.
Seriously, fuck Enes Kanter. That guy sucks, what a jabroni. And it’s the Knicks, so they’re going to implode.
4. Kill the author of this article.
He’s a Jew? Even better.
5. Smoke outside of Butler.
It is the way of our people.
In Other News
“Listen, there’s only like four openings left in the job market in this country, and I’m not getting left behind because I didn’t do enough resume optimization.”
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."