STOCKHOLM - The family of IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad, who died Sunday, has has expressed frustration at their inability to construct the Kamprad’s IKEA brand coffin in advance of his funeral, which is to be held in the coming days.
“It’s just so hard to put it together,” said a visibly sweaty Mathias Kamprad, son of the deceased. “The instructions are entirely graphics-based and the cute drawings of crying people in the background really are not doing a lot for the morale around here. We wanted to get him a higher end coffin but the prices those were just killer.”
The coffin, part of IKEA’s “Kista” line, comes in convenient packaging but is shipped totally unassembled, like the majority of the company’s products. The release of the coffin comes as IKEA moves to expand its control of the budget furniture business by entering into the lucrative sarcophagus market. The Kista line has hit some stumbles though, as the instructions for the coffin’s assembly continue to baffle a number of bereaved families.
According to IKEA, part of the Kista’s appeal is that families can use the construction of the coffin as a tool for emotional development, but Kamprad says the experience has done more harm than good. “Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father,” Kamprad said, nursing a splinter wound. “I’m glad he’s dead.”
As of press time, the young Kamprad was on hold with the IKEA helpline, while frantically counting screws on the floor of his Stockholm apartment.
In Other News
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?