PEARLY GATES -- Following an influx of complaints about the quality of student medical treatment, CU Health Services announced earlier this week that they will be offering a program of salvation through the Light of Christ as alternative treatment.
“We feel strongly that being absorbed by our Lord’s purifying love is the new way to tackle this problem,” said CU Health Director Brenda Aiken. “It’s simply too difficult to treat 6,000 kids every time they get sick. This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light.”
Citing that the human body is only a “flesh prison” of God’s creation and this world only a “passing illusion,” Health Services assured students that Christ’s interminable love is more effective than traditional medicine in treating sickness.
“Got a fever? Stomach issues? Sure, we could prescribe you something for that. But have you considered that you don’t love the Lord?”
Aiken added that, while they exist in this plane of mortality, students are encouraged to contemplate their sin, repent, and drink plenty of water.
Under the new program, the only immunization record required by the school will be a baptism.
At press time, a CU Health representative confirmed salvation will be included in a yearly Aetna Insurance plan.
In Other News
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."