Fresh from winter break and brimming with short-lived hope for a new semester, pairs of roommates across campus have made it their New Year’s Resolution to become less codependent. It’s hard to miss the tearful reunions of roomies who have been apart for three whole weeks; they run into each other’s arms in slow-motion, like military personnel coming home in airline commercials.
In reality, sadly, these relationships are not the perfect symbiosis between Nemo and his anemone. When interviewed, one half-of-a-whole said, “Over break, I just couldn’t get out of bed, I only wake up—” “—to the sound of my voice!”, her parasite interjected. “And I just forget to eat and shower unless she reminds me to!” Both sets of their parents reached out to the university over the holiday to inquire about scheduling group therapy at Furman to assuage their separation anxiety.
The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as “704”, their room number, have resolved to take a big step by signing up for conflicting class schedules. They have also decided to stop showering simultaneously in neighboring shower stalls, as their floor-mates have mistakenly reported them to ResLife several times for breaking the “no intimate showers” rule. They are most nervous; however, about the deconstruction of the “superbed” in the middle of their room, made by shoving their two XL twins together. “I just like being able to hold her phone for her so she doesn’t drop it on her face while scrolling,” defends one of the codependents. Following the pleas of parents and peers alike, updates will be made public as the girls begin their journey to separate personhood, which they are embarking upon because, as 704 says, “at least now we can sleep naked.”
In Other News
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You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
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"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."