Fresh from winter break and brimming with short-lived hope for a new semester, pairs of roommates across campus have made it their New Year’s Resolution to become less codependent. It’s hard to miss the tearful reunions of roomies who have been apart for three whole weeks; they run into each other’s arms in slow-motion, like military personnel coming home in airline commercials.
In reality, sadly, these relationships are not the perfect symbiosis between Nemo and his anemone. When interviewed, one half-of-a-whole said, “Over break, I just couldn’t get out of bed, I only wake up—” “—to the sound of my voice!”, her parasite interjected. “And I just forget to eat and shower unless she reminds me to!” Both sets of their parents reached out to the university over the holiday to inquire about scheduling group therapy at Furman to assuage their separation anxiety.
The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as “704”, their room number, have resolved to take a big step by signing up for conflicting class schedules. They have also decided to stop showering simultaneously in neighboring shower stalls, as their floor-mates have mistakenly reported them to ResLife several times for breaking the “no intimate showers” rule. They are most nervous; however, about the deconstruction of the “superbed” in the middle of their room, made by shoving their two XL twins together. “I just like being able to hold her phone for her so she doesn’t drop it on her face while scrolling,” defends one of the codependents. Following the pleas of parents and peers alike, updates will be made public as the girls begin their journey to separate personhood, which they are embarking upon because, as 704 says, “at least now we can sleep naked.”
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"