Big, big news coming out of Hamilton 608 today. Apparently, Shelby Markegaard BC ‘20 absolutely floored her Introduction to Gender Politics in Slovenian Theater discussion section. “From 5:10-6, it was the Shelby Show, and by God did she deliver,” relayed graduate assistant Peter Clergen. “Usually, I lose interest in shows right after the first commercial break, but Shelby kept me in rapt attention the full 50 minutes.”
Though a complete transcript of the conversation is not available, our sources can confirm that the section began with Shelby proclaiming a “modality,” and the groundbreaking insights only continued from there, with classmates estimating that she repeated “modality” at least 800 times during her uninterrupted polemic. “When you see that someone is on like that, and really driving home a point, there’s no point in interrupting her,” said Clergen. “The word ‘modality,’ it - it just definitely means something smart and wholly pretentious, so I like to listen to it.”
Classmate Wilbur Granderson CC '19 echoed these sentiments: "She was just saying 'modality' so much that I went from kinda understanding what it means, to definitely not, to questioning if it was a word, to wondering why she couldn't just say 'method' or 'manner,' to deciding that she was a genius."
At press time, Markegaard felt confident that she could stumble through a definition of “teleology,” and had informed her discussion section to prepare itself accordingly.
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”