Elmira, NY—As another Mills family New Years Eve party concluded last night, the family’s matriarch, Grandma Ester, led the tribe in their traditional blood oath to avoid each other’s company for at least eight months.
“Ever since I was a little girl, we Mills’ have been doing this, so it’s only right to honor tradition, and frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm. “Now, to do it correctly, aim your wound towards the still-standing Christmas tree and swear not to inflict the sight of your sorry visages on each other until August is through.”
“She’s always been picky about this tradition,” remarked Susan Mills, Ester’s daughter. “I remember when I was a little girl, she would bellow ‘GO DEEPER’ at me if she thought I was going easy on myself.”
As the family sprayed their blood on to the Christmas tree, there was some debate as to why the always quiet cousin Kyle was suddenly so eager to engage in the ceremony. Elsewhere, Ester could be heard yelling at five-year-old Billy, the newest addition to the Mills brood, to “CUT ACROSS THE TRACKS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, FOOL.”
In Other News
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.