Elmira, NY—As another Mills family New Years Eve party concluded last night, the family’s matriarch, Grandma Ester, led the tribe in their traditional blood oath to avoid each other’s company for at least eight months.
“Ever since I was a little girl, we Mills’ have been doing this, so it’s only right to honor tradition, and frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm. “Now, to do it correctly, aim your wound towards the still-standing Christmas tree and swear not to inflict the sight of your sorry visages on each other until August is through.”
“She’s always been picky about this tradition,” remarked Susan Mills, Ester’s daughter. “I remember when I was a little girl, she would bellow ‘GO DEEPER’ at me if she thought I was going easy on myself.”
As the family sprayed their blood on to the Christmas tree, there was some debate as to why the always quiet cousin Kyle was suddenly so eager to engage in the ceremony. Elsewhere, Ester could be heard yelling at five-year-old Billy, the newest addition to the Mills brood, to “CUT ACROSS THE TRACKS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, FOOL.”
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When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
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