JOHN JAY — Determined to seek out every possible bit of academic tutelage during his first semester at Columbia, Alan Johnson CC ’21 recently discovered Grindr as a great way to talk to professors outside their office hours.
Describing his revelation as “amazing, convenient, and just a tad homoerotic,” the first-year explained how he came upon his discovery: “I was looking for extra ways to communicate with my professors so I can get the best grades possible, and I decided to try Grindr because I heard it was a fantastic way to talk to people in the community. I downloaded the app, uploaded a picture of my abs, and soon enough my FroSci teacher was asking if I was circumcised!”
Johnson feels that Grindr managed to break down boundaries between him and his professors, allowing for the kind of intimate student-teacher relationships he hoped for at Columbia.
“People say it’s important to form relationships with teachers, but I always struggled to find a way to get closer to them,” Johnson said. “But now that I’ve seen them naked, all the awkwardness is gone.”
However, Johnson admits that pillowtalk with his professors can sometimes be a little unorthodox.
“After blowing my LitHum professor, he started talking about the relationship between Patroklos and Achilles,” Johnson said. “I was a little confused because I skipped that part of the Iliad, but I ended up getting an A- on my essay so I guess I learned something. If it wasn’t for Grindr, my essay definitely would have been more in the B-range.”
According to Johnson, his Grindr study sessions are purely for bonding with professors, and he has no homosexual tendencies.
“Some people might think it’s a gay thing, but it’s really not,” Johnson said. “It’s not like I’m just having sex with guys for no reason. But hey, if it’s gay to lick your math professor’s balls to learn more about differential equations, then call me homosexual.”
Johnson declined to elaborate on some of the other experiences he’s had with his instructors, saying that he was late to a “special study session” with his ArtHum professor.