Jared Kushner, senior adviser, son-in-law and loyal golf caddie to President Donald Trump, has recently begun puberty, according to reports from the White House.
In a press release, White House officials said that Kushner has been feeling “a little embarrassed” about the changes he’s been going through and hopes to stay out of the spotlight to avoid any public voice cracks.
“Just as Trump has shaken up Washington with his progressive conservative politics, his senior adviser, Jared Kushner, brings a new, youthful perspective to the table, fulfilling the role of senior adviser as no one has before,” the press release said.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“What Jared’s going through is perfectly natural for a boy of his age,” Carson said. “Back then, I remember what it felt like to have those strange feelings, to see hairs popping up where I never saw them before. It’s a strange period in a boy’s life, but an important one, and I wish Jared all the best.”
President Trump also commented on Kushner’s hormonal changes, saying, “Trust me, when Jared’s done with puberty, he’s going to be a tremendous public figure, absolutely tremendous. A fantastic husband to my beautiful, gorgeous daughter Ivanka -- totally gorgeous, right? -- and a huge public figure. Totally huge.”
White House officials told reporters that, while Jared’s voice may be high-pitched and awkward, he speaks very powerfully in Russian.
In Other News
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.