Jared Kushner, senior adviser, son-in-law and loyal golf caddie to President Donald Trump, has recently begun puberty, according to reports from the White House.
In a press release, White House officials said that Kushner has been feeling “a little embarrassed” about the changes he’s been going through and hopes to stay out of the spotlight to avoid any public voice cracks.
“Just as Trump has shaken up Washington with his progressive conservative politics, his senior adviser, Jared Kushner, brings a new, youthful perspective to the table, fulfilling the role of senior adviser as no one has before,” the press release said.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“What Jared’s going through is perfectly natural for a boy of his age,” Carson said. “Back then, I remember what it felt like to have those strange feelings, to see hairs popping up where I never saw them before. It’s a strange period in a boy’s life, but an important one, and I wish Jared all the best.”
President Trump also commented on Kushner’s hormonal changes, saying, “Trust me, when Jared’s done with puberty, he’s going to be a tremendous public figure, absolutely tremendous. A fantastic husband to my beautiful, gorgeous daughter Ivanka -- totally gorgeous, right? -- and a huge public figure. Totally huge.”
White House officials told reporters that, while Jared’s voice may be high-pitched and awkward, he speaks very powerfully in Russian.
In Other News
Donald Trump may not know anything about Namibia, but he’s not going to forget the way President Geingob paired this bold vertical-striped suit with that diagonally-striped tie and pocket square.
"Society makes people bad, but more like, cheat-on-your-spouse bad – not Sean-level bad."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.