Jared Kushner, senior adviser, son-in-law and loyal golf caddie to President Donald Trump, has recently begun puberty, according to reports from the White House.
In a press release, White House officials said that Kushner has been feeling “a little embarrassed” about the changes he’s been going through and hopes to stay out of the spotlight to avoid any public voice cracks.
“Just as Trump has shaken up Washington with his progressive conservative politics, his senior adviser, Jared Kushner, brings a new, youthful perspective to the table, fulfilling the role of senior adviser as no one has before,” the press release said.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“What Jared’s going through is perfectly natural for a boy of his age,” Carson said. “Back then, I remember what it felt like to have those strange feelings, to see hairs popping up where I never saw them before. It’s a strange period in a boy’s life, but an important one, and I wish Jared all the best.”
President Trump also commented on Kushner’s hormonal changes, saying, “Trust me, when Jared’s done with puberty, he’s going to be a tremendous public figure, absolutely tremendous. A fantastic husband to my beautiful, gorgeous daughter Ivanka -- totally gorgeous, right? -- and a huge public figure. Totally huge.”
White House officials told reporters that, while Jared’s voice may be high-pitched and awkward, he speaks very powerfully in Russian.
In Other News
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."
"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”
"Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture - a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we can learn a great deal from this man."