Only days away from NSOP, Jacob Goldstein CC ‘21 has confided to some of his closest camp friends that he is concerned about social life at Columbia. “What if I’m so different from everyone else that I just become a pariah?” mused the potential political science major from Scarsdale. “How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
Goldstein is now second-guessing his room decor decisions, including a poster from Animal House of John Belushi chugging Jack Daniels. “I’m not sure anyone will even get that reference,” said Goldstein, as he placed his Derek Jeter jersey neatly into his suitcase. “And is my navy blue comforter from Pottery Barn Teen going to be too gaudy?”
However, Goldstein still has one surefire way to meet people: “If people don’t think I’m cool at first, they’ll definitely like me after I show them my record player.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"