Only days away from NSOP, Jacob Goldstein CC ‘21 has confided to some of his closest camp friends that he is concerned about social life at Columbia. “What if I’m so different from everyone else that I just become a pariah?” mused the potential political science major from Scarsdale. “How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
Goldstein is now second-guessing his room decor decisions, including a poster from Animal House of John Belushi chugging Jack Daniels. “I’m not sure anyone will even get that reference,” said Goldstein, as he placed his Derek Jeter jersey neatly into his suitcase. “And is my navy blue comforter from Pottery Barn Teen going to be too gaudy?”
However, Goldstein still has one surefire way to meet people: “If people don’t think I’m cool at first, they’ll definitely like me after I show them my record player.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.