Only days away from NSOP, Jacob Goldstein CC ‘21 has confided to some of his closest camp friends that he is concerned about social life at Columbia. “What if I’m so different from everyone else that I just become a pariah?” mused the potential political science major from Scarsdale. “How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
Goldstein is now second-guessing his room decor decisions, including a poster from Animal House of John Belushi chugging Jack Daniels. “I’m not sure anyone will even get that reference,” said Goldstein, as he placed his Derek Jeter jersey neatly into his suitcase. “And is my navy blue comforter from Pottery Barn Teen going to be too gaudy?”
However, Goldstein still has one surefire way to meet people: “If people don’t think I’m cool at first, they’ll definitely like me after I show them my record player.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.