Only days away from NSOP, Jacob Goldstein CC ‘21 has confided to some of his closest camp friends that he is concerned about social life at Columbia. “What if I’m so different from everyone else that I just become a pariah?” mused the potential political science major from Scarsdale. “How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
Goldstein is now second-guessing his room decor decisions, including a poster from Animal House of John Belushi chugging Jack Daniels. “I’m not sure anyone will even get that reference,” said Goldstein, as he placed his Derek Jeter jersey neatly into his suitcase. “And is my navy blue comforter from Pottery Barn Teen going to be too gaudy?”
However, Goldstein still has one surefire way to meet people: “If people don’t think I’m cool at first, they’ll definitely like me after I show them my record player.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"