WHITE HOUSE - At a séance held today in the Diplomatic Room of the White House, President Donald Trump, Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon, Chief of Staff John Kelly, and son-in-law Jared Kushner grasped hands in an attempt to contact the spirit of Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels, and offer him the role of White House Communications Director.
The ghost of Goebbels, upon being summoned, reportedly politely declined. "That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass," said the disembodied voice of the infamous anti-Semite. "With the direction this administration is heading, I frankly don't want to attach my name to this presidency."
At press time, President Trump was inquiring into the availability of Jim Jones.
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“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?