WHITE HOUSE - At a séance held today in the Diplomatic Room of the White House, President Donald Trump, Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon, Chief of Staff John Kelly, and son-in-law Jared Kushner grasped hands in an attempt to contact the spirit of Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels, and offer him the role of White House Communications Director.
The ghost of Goebbels, upon being summoned, reportedly politely declined. "That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass," said the disembodied voice of the infamous anti-Semite. "With the direction this administration is heading, I frankly don't want to attach my name to this presidency."
At press time, President Trump was inquiring into the availability of Jim Jones.
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For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“I know it’s totally quirky to like a film star from the fifties, but Audrey is just such a fashion icon.”