Sebastian Grundle, a 16 year old from Boise, Idaho, has been pondering what he is allowed to do during his time staying in Furnald for his 3 week “Economics in Action” summer program. “My floor monitor seems to be quite a good lady, but I’m not sure what the acceptable behaviors are; indeed, I am speaking about the possibility of coitus,” said Grundle. “My parents have always been keen to avoid the subject of intercourse with me, so I’m hoping some of my fellow learners here can join me on this journey of discovery.”
Grundle’s Resident Advisor for the summer, Melissa Martinez CC ’18, expressed her confusion.“I don’t even know why this kid is asking. He looks like the human version of a deflated pool float and has the sexual appeal of a raw radish. That being said, I remember something from my training about being open with the little shits about sex...or maybe that was about allergies. Honestly, I was super hungover that day.”
Columbia University’s policy regarding summer program relationships is actually quite similar to that regarding undergraduates. While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Grundle was pleased to hear the policy, stating: “It’s just grand that I can make sex with one of these fellow future world leaders!"
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”