Sebastian Grundle, a 16 year old from Boise, Idaho, has been pondering what he is allowed to do during his time staying in Furnald for his 3 week “Economics in Action” summer program. “My floor monitor seems to be quite a good lady, but I’m not sure what the acceptable behaviors are; indeed, I am speaking about the possibility of coitus,” said Grundle. “My parents have always been keen to avoid the subject of intercourse with me, so I’m hoping some of my fellow learners here can join me on this journey of discovery.”
Grundle’s Resident Advisor for the summer, Melissa Martinez CC ’18, expressed her confusion.“I don’t even know why this kid is asking. He looks like the human version of a deflated pool float and has the sexual appeal of a raw radish. That being said, I remember something from my training about being open with the little shits about sex...or maybe that was about allergies. Honestly, I was super hungover that day.”
Columbia University’s policy regarding summer program relationships is actually quite similar to that regarding undergraduates. While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Grundle was pleased to hear the policy, stating: “It’s just grand that I can make sex with one of these fellow future world leaders!"
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"