ARIZONA— Following his appearance at former FBI Director James Comey’s hearing, Senator John McCain placed a disgruntled phone call to Vladimir Putin, as various sources confirmed to The Federalist.
According to leaked transcripts of their conversation, a bitter McCain lit into the Russian President for failing to adequately interfere in the 2008 presidential election.
The conversation started awkwardly. “Hello, senator,” began Putin, after the call had been transferred by his stern, yet mischievous secretary Talia. “Who am I speaking with?,” answered McCain. “Um, Vladimir Putin...you called me,” responded Putin. “Right, of course, I know that,” retorted an adorably befuddled McCain.
“Listen, Vlad, I know you and I have never been that close, we've never had that two peas in a pod thing you got going with Sessions. But I really gotta say Pootie, after sitting through that big man’s hearing, where the hell were you guys when I needed you 9 years ago? You threw the orange guy a bone, but not me? Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly fake news articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
As of press time, Putin was attempting to console McCain by tossing up some fake stories to distract from his incoherent line of questioning during James Comey's testimony.
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1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
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"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."