ARIZONA— Following his appearance at former FBI Director James Comey’s hearing, Senator John McCain placed a disgruntled phone call to Vladimir Putin, as various sources confirmed to The Federalist.
According to leaked transcripts of their conversation, a bitter McCain lit into the Russian President for failing to adequately interfere in the 2008 presidential election.
The conversation started awkwardly. “Hello, senator,” began Putin, after the call had been transferred by his stern, yet mischievous secretary Talia. “Who am I speaking with?,” answered McCain. “Um, Vladimir Putin...you called me,” responded Putin. “Right, of course, I know that,” retorted an adorably befuddled McCain.
“Listen, Vlad, I know you and I have never been that close, we've never had that two peas in a pod thing you got going with Sessions. But I really gotta say Pootie, after sitting through that big man’s hearing, where the hell were you guys when I needed you 9 years ago? You threw the orange guy a bone, but not me? Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly fake news articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
As of press time, Putin was attempting to console McCain by tossing up some fake stories to distract from his incoherent line of questioning during James Comey's testimony.
In Other News
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."
"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”