ARIZONA— Following his appearance at former FBI Director James Comey’s hearing, Senator John McCain placed a disgruntled phone call to Vladimir Putin, as various sources confirmed to The Federalist.
According to leaked transcripts of their conversation, a bitter McCain lit into the Russian President for failing to adequately interfere in the 2008 presidential election.
The conversation started awkwardly. “Hello, senator,” began Putin, after the call had been transferred by his stern, yet mischievous secretary Talia. “Who am I speaking with?,” answered McCain. “Um, Vladimir Putin...you called me,” responded Putin. “Right, of course, I know that,” retorted an adorably befuddled McCain.
“Listen, Vlad, I know you and I have never been that close, we've never had that two peas in a pod thing you got going with Sessions. But I really gotta say Pootie, after sitting through that big man’s hearing, where the hell were you guys when I needed you 9 years ago? You threw the orange guy a bone, but not me? Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly fake news articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
As of press time, Putin was attempting to console McCain by tossing up some fake stories to distract from his incoherent line of questioning during James Comey's testimony.
In Other News
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.