OUTSIDE URIS—Along with the tulips, daffodils, and crocuses in bloom each year, another growth perennially sprouts out of the Columbia Garden Club’s garden: fully-grown econ majors. “We don’t really know where they come from,” said environmental science major, Kerry Rubenstein. “We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
“I’m really proud of myself. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps from nothing and look where I am now,” said a newborn consultant as the gardeners carefully dug him out of the ground with a trowel. “We have an idea that the magic ingredient might be the runoff from Uris,” said a student tending to him while he attempted to mansplain the Laffer Curve to everyone in earshot.
One of the student gardeners used a shovel to knock out a somewhat-unripe one who was shouting, “ALL WAGE LABOR IS SLAVERY!” The gardener shook his head, remarking: “He’ll ripen up after a few weeks at Goldman.”
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4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”