OUTSIDE URIS—Along with the tulips, daffodils, and crocuses in bloom each year, another growth perennially sprouts out of the Columbia Garden Club’s garden: fully-grown econ majors. “We don’t really know where they come from,” said environmental science major, Kerry Rubenstein. “We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
“I’m really proud of myself. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps from nothing and look where I am now,” said a newborn consultant as the gardeners carefully dug him out of the ground with a trowel. “We have an idea that the magic ingredient might be the runoff from Uris,” said a student tending to him while he attempted to mansplain the Laffer Curve to everyone in earshot.
One of the student gardeners used a shovel to knock out a somewhat-unripe one who was shouting, “ALL WAGE LABOR IS SLAVERY!” The gardener shook his head, remarking: “He’ll ripen up after a few weeks at Goldman.”
In Other News
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."