BROADWAY HALL COMPUTER LAB—Columbia sophomore Chris Danson was dismayed to find that a girl he had seen on Facebook with a really hot profile picture is actually painfully mediocre-looking in real life.
“Every time I scrolled past her, I would scroll back up to admire the tasteful sideboob in her profile picture,” Danson said. “I could only imagine the tastefulness of that sideboob in the flesh.”
The picture, which featured the average-looking girl in a semi-translucent bikini with the caption “Winter? What’s that?” and some sun emojis, sent an unfair and unrealistic message, Danson said.
“But when I saw the bikini-clad goddess in person, when I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal,” Danson said. “I couldn’t even make it to a half-chub. After the high of swiping past that tastefully tanned stomach for weeks, I was disappointed, to say the least.”
Despite Danson’s unexpected disappointment, he has other options open, he said.
“There’s another girl I’ve scrolled past a couple times that I have high hopes for,” Danson said. “More of a respectable party cleavage look, which is also something I can get behind.”
The Facebook profile of Danson’s new love interest sports a profile picture of the girl holding a red Solo cup in a dark room with the background blurred and the caption, “Great food, great friends, great night.”
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”