BROADWAY HALL COMPUTER LAB—Columbia sophomore Chris Danson was dismayed to find that a girl he had seen on Facebook with a really hot profile picture is actually painfully mediocre-looking in real life.
“Every time I scrolled past her, I would scroll back up to admire the tasteful sideboob in her profile picture,” Danson said. “I could only imagine the tastefulness of that sideboob in the flesh.”
The picture, which featured the average-looking girl in a semi-translucent bikini with the caption “Winter? What’s that?” and some sun emojis, sent an unfair and unrealistic message, Danson said.
“But when I saw the bikini-clad goddess in person, when I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal,” Danson said. “I couldn’t even make it to a half-chub. After the high of swiping past that tastefully tanned stomach for weeks, I was disappointed, to say the least.”
Despite Danson’s unexpected disappointment, he has other options open, he said.
“There’s another girl I’ve scrolled past a couple times that I have high hopes for,” Danson said. “More of a respectable party cleavage look, which is also something I can get behind.”
The Facebook profile of Danson’s new love interest sports a profile picture of the girl holding a red Solo cup in a dark room with the background blurred and the caption, “Great food, great friends, great night.”
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1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."