LEWISOHN MIDDLE SCHOOL - “It all began with ‘buster,’” begins 11 year-old Thomas Connelly, speaking to The Federalist on Monday. Connelly, not alone, has been the victim of a strange epidemic inflicted by fathers upon their sons around the pre-teen years: Connelly’s father has resorted to increasingly alarming nicknames.
A Federalist investigation reveals that ‘bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son. The senior Connelly insists in his defense that these terms are “affectionate” and “all in good fun.” Obviously, some of these names have made young Thomas rather uncomfortable, but his father seems not to see the problem.
No doubt this strange phase will pass, but in the meantime, analysts expect, some serious daddy issues later down the line.
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“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."
"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”