LEWISOHN MIDDLE SCHOOL - “It all began with ‘buster,’” begins 11 year-old Thomas Connelly, speaking to The Federalist on Monday. Connelly, not alone, has been the victim of a strange epidemic inflicted by fathers upon their sons around the pre-teen years: Connelly’s father has resorted to increasingly alarming nicknames.
A Federalist investigation reveals that ‘bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son. The senior Connelly insists in his defense that these terms are “affectionate” and “all in good fun.” Obviously, some of these names have made young Thomas rather uncomfortable, but his father seems not to see the problem.
No doubt this strange phase will pass, but in the meantime, analysts expect, some serious daddy issues later down the line.
In Other News
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."