LEWISOHN MIDDLE SCHOOL - “It all began with ‘buster,’” begins 11 year-old Thomas Connelly, speaking to The Federalist on Monday. Connelly, not alone, has been the victim of a strange epidemic inflicted by fathers upon their sons around the pre-teen years: Connelly’s father has resorted to increasingly alarming nicknames.
A Federalist investigation reveals that ‘bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son. The senior Connelly insists in his defense that these terms are “affectionate” and “all in good fun.” Obviously, some of these names have made young Thomas rather uncomfortable, but his father seems not to see the problem.
No doubt this strange phase will pass, but in the meantime, analysts expect, some serious daddy issues later down the line.
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At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
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