Look, bath salts are getting a pretty bad rap. Not all of it’s undeserved. Sure, last time you ended up naked, punched your way through a fence and choked your chicken until there was blood, you said you would never do it again. But was it really that bad?
Sometimes you just need that no-holds-barred release. Sometimes you want to hit that high you can’t get from cocaine or LSD alone, the kind of high only snorting a little Vanilla Sky with some crap you found in an abandoned chemical plant off a stripper’s ass can achieve. If I wanted some pitiful 20 minute rush I’d go back to smoking meth. I want that 9 hour “I’m dying and I can’t see” kind of high. If you don’t fear you’ve lost all ability to interpret the world around you and consider suicide at some point, did you ever get a high at all?
Side effects aren’t even that bad. If I gave you a list of side effects of bath salts and Columbia, I doubt you’d be able to tell the difference. Here they are:
False euphoria rapidly evolving into paranoia
Hallucinations and delusions
Suicidal thoughts or suicide
Brainstem herniation (increase of pressure inside the skull that can cause death)
Rapid involuntary movement of the eyes
Brain swelling and brain death
A solid two-thirds of those are straight Columbia symptoms. Who hasn’t experienced a little brain swelling? Hell, let’s not talk about the sexual dysfunction.
Furthermore, I’m tired of all these amateurs saying they’re high when they don’t know shit. I know you’re not seeing stars on that single puff you took. And if your face doesn’t look like a heroin-injected slice of Ferris pizza, you’re just half-assing the whole fucking thing.
I want to look at you and not be able to tell if you spent 3 days in Butler or spent 3 hours taking a shit on the floor of a McDonald's. If you're not trying to bite off your own tongue because it talked back to you, you’re just not high enough.
They way I see it, you bumblefucks have two options: keep pretending you know what a bender is or man up and go eat that guy’s dog.
In Other News
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"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."
"Bruce Portnoy CC '20 has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge 'would just stop it.'"
"I downloaded the app, uploaded a picture of my abs, and soon enough my FroSci teacher was asking if I was circumcised!”