Look, bath salts are getting a pretty bad rap. Not all of it’s undeserved. Sure, last time you ended up naked, punched your way through a fence and choked your chicken until there was blood, you said you would never do it again. But was it really that bad?
Sometimes you just need that no-holds-barred release. Sometimes you want to hit that high you can’t get from cocaine or LSD alone, the kind of high only snorting a little Vanilla Sky with some crap you found in an abandoned chemical plant off a stripper’s ass can achieve. If I wanted some pitiful 20 minute rush I’d go back to smoking meth. I want that 9 hour “I’m dying and I can’t see” kind of high. If you don’t fear you’ve lost all ability to interpret the world around you and consider suicide at some point, did you ever get a high at all?
Side effects aren’t even that bad. If I gave you a list of side effects of bath salts and Columbia, I doubt you’d be able to tell the difference. Here they are:
False euphoria rapidly evolving into paranoia
Hallucinations and delusions
Suicidal thoughts or suicide
Brainstem herniation (increase of pressure inside the skull that can cause death)
Rapid involuntary movement of the eyes
Brain swelling and brain death
A solid two-thirds of those are straight Columbia symptoms. Who hasn’t experienced a little brain swelling? Hell, let’s not talk about the sexual dysfunction.
Furthermore, I’m tired of all these amateurs saying they’re high when they don’t know shit. I know you’re not seeing stars on that single puff you took. And if your face doesn’t look like a heroin-injected slice of Ferris pizza, you’re just half-assing the whole fucking thing.
I want to look at you and not be able to tell if you spent 3 days in Butler or spent 3 hours taking a shit on the floor of a McDonald's. If you're not trying to bite off your own tongue because it talked back to you, you’re just not high enough.
They way I see it, you bumblefucks have two options: keep pretending you know what a bender is or man up and go eat that guy’s dog.