Look, bath salts are getting a pretty bad rap. Not all of it’s undeserved. Sure, last time you ended up naked, punched your way through a fence and choked your chicken until there was blood, you said you would never do it again. But was it really that bad?
Sometimes you just need that no-holds-barred release. Sometimes you want to hit that high you can’t get from cocaine or LSD alone, the kind of high only snorting a little Vanilla Sky with some crap you found in an abandoned chemical plant off a stripper’s ass can achieve. If I wanted some pitiful 20 minute rush I’d go back to smoking meth. I want that 9 hour “I’m dying and I can’t see” kind of high. If you don’t fear you’ve lost all ability to interpret the world around you and consider suicide at some point, did you ever get a high at all?
Side effects aren’t even that bad. If I gave you a list of side effects of bath salts and Columbia, I doubt you’d be able to tell the difference. Here they are:
False euphoria rapidly evolving into paranoia
Hallucinations and delusions
Suicidal thoughts or suicide
Brainstem herniation (increase of pressure inside the skull that can cause death)
Rapid involuntary movement of the eyes
Brain swelling and brain death
A solid two-thirds of those are straight Columbia symptoms. Who hasn’t experienced a little brain swelling? Hell, let’s not talk about the sexual dysfunction.
Furthermore, I’m tired of all these amateurs saying they’re high when they don’t know shit. I know you’re not seeing stars on that single puff you took. And if your face doesn’t look like a heroin-injected slice of Ferris pizza, you’re just half-assing the whole fucking thing.
I want to look at you and not be able to tell if you spent 3 days in Butler or spent 3 hours taking a shit on the floor of a McDonald's. If you're not trying to bite off your own tongue because it talked back to you, you’re just not high enough.
They way I see it, you bumblefucks have two options: keep pretending you know what a bender is or man up and go eat that guy’s dog.
In Other News
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."