Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Gaslight James Mcshane into thinking he is the criminal element.
Treat James McShane as a living performer of security theater.
Give McShane food poisoning on a wonderful caribbean cruise.
Give James McShane the son he never had.
Hide my water bottle in James McShane to get it past the TSA.
Train James McShane to enjoy the feeling of soft jazz through a Pavlovian association with soft cheese.
Use James McShane’s moustache to hold my soup.
Let James McShane perjure himself in a court of law.
Put out a fire with James McShane.
Bring James McShane to an art museum and torture him with my explanation of dadaism.
Ride James McShane through the subway tunnels when the local trains aren’t running.
Meet James McShane’s parents and tell them they should be proud of their son.
Steal James McShane’s man purse and make him write the theft report.
Cry on James McShane’s shoulder until he makes you feel secure.
Legally change his name to Shane McShane.
Write a Clery Crime Report about how naughty James McShane fondled you last night.
- Use James McShane as an example of how an unrecognized genius from Southie can escape his MIT janitorial position with the help of an empathetic shrink, Robin Williams, who recognizes his gifts and propels him to open his heart to the possibility of love.
IN OTHER NEWS
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"