Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Gaslight James Mcshane into thinking he is the criminal element.
Treat James McShane as a living performer of security theater.
Give McShane food poisoning on a wonderful caribbean cruise.
Give James McShane the son he never had.
Hide my water bottle in James McShane to get it past the TSA.
Train James McShane to enjoy the feeling of soft jazz through a Pavlovian association with soft cheese.
Use James McShane’s moustache to hold my soup.
Let James McShane perjure himself in a court of law.
Put out a fire with James McShane.
Bring James McShane to an art museum and torture him with my explanation of dadaism.
Ride James McShane through the subway tunnels when the local trains aren’t running.
Meet James McShane’s parents and tell them they should be proud of their son.
Steal James McShane’s man purse and make him write the theft report.
Cry on James McShane’s shoulder until he makes you feel secure.
Legally change his name to Shane McShane.
Write a Clery Crime Report about how naughty James McShane fondled you last night.
- Use James McShane as an example of how an unrecognized genius from Southie can escape his MIT janitorial position with the help of an empathetic shrink, Robin Williams, who recognizes his gifts and propels him to open his heart to the possibility of love.
IN OTHER NEWS
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."