Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Gaslight James Mcshane into thinking he is the criminal element.
Treat James McShane as a living performer of security theater.
Give McShane food poisoning on a wonderful caribbean cruise.
Give James McShane the son he never had.
Hide my water bottle in James McShane to get it past the TSA.
Train James McShane to enjoy the feeling of soft jazz through a Pavlovian association with soft cheese.
Use James McShane’s moustache to hold my soup.
Let James McShane perjure himself in a court of law.
Put out a fire with James McShane.
Bring James McShane to an art museum and torture him with my explanation of dadaism.
Ride James McShane through the subway tunnels when the local trains aren’t running.
Meet James McShane’s parents and tell them they should be proud of their son.
Steal James McShane’s man purse and make him write the theft report.
Cry on James McShane’s shoulder until he makes you feel secure.
Legally change his name to Shane McShane.
Write a Clery Crime Report about how naughty James McShane fondled you last night.
- Use James McShane as an example of how an unrecognized genius from Southie can escape his MIT janitorial position with the help of an empathetic shrink, Robin Williams, who recognizes his gifts and propels him to open his heart to the possibility of love.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.