ITHACA, NY — Earlier this week, reporters confirmed that Jake Wallingford, Ithaca resident and local dumbass, still believes his beloved chocolate lab Spot is alive and well at some farm in the Adirondacks where only his grandmother had gone before.
The fuckwit’s mother, Mary Wallingford, was unsurprised by the news. "My husband and I have always known that Jake wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He is his father’s son after all. But c’mon. That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years.”
“I love my son, but the little crybaby bitch he is, he would probably lose his shit if he heard of Spot’s death,” his father added. “We couldn’t even tell him the tooth fairy doesn’t exist because of the waterworks. The little shitbird doesn’t even have any baby teeth left. We had to give him some to trade for quarters. Do you know how hard it is to get ahold of toddler teeth legally?”
“Maybe I should’ve eased up on the Merlot during his third trimester,” added Mrs. Wallingford.
As of press time, Wallingford was seen taking some glue out of his back pocket to snack on.
In Other News
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?