ITHACA, NY — Earlier this week, reporters confirmed that Jake Wallingford, Ithaca resident and local dumbass, still believes his beloved chocolate lab Spot is alive and well at some farm in the Adirondacks where only his grandmother had gone before.
The fuckwit’s mother, Mary Wallingford, was unsurprised by the news. "My husband and I have always known that Jake wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He is his father’s son after all. But c’mon. That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years.”
“I love my son, but the little crybaby bitch he is, he would probably lose his shit if he heard of Spot’s death,” his father added. “We couldn’t even tell him the tooth fairy doesn’t exist because of the waterworks. The little shitbird doesn’t even have any baby teeth left. We had to give him some to trade for quarters. Do you know how hard it is to get ahold of toddler teeth legally?”
“Maybe I should’ve eased up on the Merlot during his third trimester,” added Mrs. Wallingford.
As of press time, Wallingford was seen taking some glue out of his back pocket to snack on.
In Other News
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
"You have the audacity to pull out your 10 page long CC paper and staple it as if you explicitly mean to torture me."
"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”