ITHACA, NY — Earlier this week, reporters confirmed that Jake Wallingford, Ithaca resident and local dumbass, still believes his beloved chocolate lab Spot is alive and well at some farm in the Adirondacks where only his grandmother had gone before.
The fuckwit’s mother, Mary Wallingford, was unsurprised by the news. "My husband and I have always known that Jake wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He is his father’s son after all. But c’mon. That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years.”
“I love my son, but the little crybaby bitch he is, he would probably lose his shit if he heard of Spot’s death,” his father added. “We couldn’t even tell him the tooth fairy doesn’t exist because of the waterworks. The little shitbird doesn’t even have any baby teeth left. We had to give him some to trade for quarters. Do you know how hard it is to get ahold of toddler teeth legally?”
“Maybe I should’ve eased up on the Merlot during his third trimester,” added Mrs. Wallingford.
As of press time, Wallingford was seen taking some glue out of his back pocket to snack on.
In Other News
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”