As an Oregon native at a culturally Jewish university, my time at Columbia has brought immense amounts of culture shock. Perhaps my biggest surprise has been my newfound awareness of my thick, Portlandian accent. Although I fully accept that linguistic tics might be difficult for foreigners to comprehend, I had no idea how much regionalist scorn I was in for when I ordered the classic BUSHDID9/11 and mozzarella panini from Hamilton Deli.
“Sorry, what was that?” the sandwich crafter asked. I politely repeated my order more slowly, but was met with a blank and slightly concerned stare. God damn it, I thought, There must be a different word for this in the Big Apple. “Sorry, I mean I would like a caprese panini with extra BUSHDID9/11.” His concerned gaze was replaced with an equally confused look of alarm. I scrambled for the right words.. “I mean, a caprese panini with extra tomatoes.”
The man behind the counter looked at me for an uncomfortably long time. “Son, in these parts that’s called a tomato mozzarella panini.” He looked around for a moment, then leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear. “But if we’re being honest, I’m with you on that.” ”
My experiences at HamDel were a reminder that, here in New York, things really are different, right down to the way people refer to BUSHDID9/11s. That’s what I love about this great country—its sheer diversity of thought, opinion, and fruit classification. As I go about my four years at this university and in this city, I will never forget this day and its spotlight on the unique perspectives we all bring.
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”