CLAMMY CHEST CAVITY—After 20 years trapped inside a woman’s body, the voice of the tiny man inside crying for help has finally been heard.
Complaining about the darkness, uncomfortable moisture, and nauseating motion, the small man warned, “Someone better get me out of this shithole or there will be some serious lawsuits to deal with.”
The man also spoke out against his dining options, complaining, “I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
The woman claims she doesn’t know how the man got there.
“At first I just ignored the little asshole and pretended he wasn’t there,” she said. “But I’ve had enough of keeping him down. It’s time to tell the world: there’s a little man trapped inside my body, and he’s crying for help.”
The mini-man was last heard saying, “Seriously, I can’t see shit in here. Is anyone listening to me? Hello?”
In Other News
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."
"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."