CLAMMY CHEST CAVITY—After 20 years trapped inside a woman’s body, the voice of the tiny man inside crying for help has finally been heard.
Complaining about the darkness, uncomfortable moisture, and nauseating motion, the small man warned, “Someone better get me out of this shithole or there will be some serious lawsuits to deal with.”
The man also spoke out against his dining options, complaining, “I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
The woman claims she doesn’t know how the man got there.
“At first I just ignored the little asshole and pretended he wasn’t there,” she said. “But I’ve had enough of keeping him down. It’s time to tell the world: there’s a little man trapped inside my body, and he’s crying for help.”
The mini-man was last heard saying, “Seriously, I can’t see shit in here. Is anyone listening to me? Hello?”
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If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.