CLAMMY CHEST CAVITY—After 20 years trapped inside a woman’s body, the voice of the tiny man inside crying for help has finally been heard.
Complaining about the darkness, uncomfortable moisture, and nauseating motion, the small man warned, “Someone better get me out of this shithole or there will be some serious lawsuits to deal with.”
The man also spoke out against his dining options, complaining, “I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
The woman claims she doesn’t know how the man got there.
“At first I just ignored the little asshole and pretended he wasn’t there,” she said. “But I’ve had enough of keeping him down. It’s time to tell the world: there’s a little man trapped inside my body, and he’s crying for help.”
The mini-man was last heard saying, “Seriously, I can’t see shit in here. Is anyone listening to me? Hello?”
In Other News
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.