JERUSALEM - Speaking at a press conference held in front of the Western Wall, President Donald J. Trump revealed his highly anticipated plans for a peaceful resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that has claimed thousands of lives since 1948.
“People say to me, ‘How are you going to solve this? It’s so hard, people are so angry’ - which is not true. Everybody I’ve met here has been incredibly kind and happy, happy to see me, happy to know that I’m going to fix these awful problems,” said President Trump, standing at a podium alongside a visibly amused Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “So, I sat down, and I go, ‘I can figure this out.’ And that’s what I did, happened extremely quickly for me by the way. I said, ‘We need to make it so both the Israelis and the Palestinians are very happy.’ That’s why I am announcing my tremendous new plan for peace, that I came up with, called the ‘Two-State Solution.’”
Mr. Trump’s “completely new” plan calls for the international recognition of both Palestinian and Israeli statehood, with the two entities existing within the post-1967 borders. “Borders are very important to me, they’re important to citizens, no matter the country. Every country, they love borders. And we already have borders here in Israel with the Palestinian people. As you can see behind me, this phenomenal stone wall - which is good, but not as good as concrete - already separates the nice people and the bad people, and everybody agrees with me on this. So, if you have the border wall, you already have the two countries,” Mr. Trump said. “Problem solved.”
After the President’s remarks, Prime Minister Netanyahu apprehensively took to the microphone. “The Israeli people are delighted to have President Trump here to share his... words,” said Netanyahu, who frequently muttered “oy gevalt” during his remarks. “This whole two-state thing certainly is, uh, interesting - and we’re all impressed by Mr. Trump’s ingenuity. I’ll be sure to bring it up with parliament just as soon as I want to.”
Mr. Trump smiled broadly during Mr. Netanyahu’s remarks and intermittently thanked the Prime Minister for “the wonderful and deserved compliments.” As the press conference closed, Mr. Trump turned to Mr. Netanyahu and advised him to “trust the wall to keep those Middle Eastern Mexicans out.”
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”