Has this ever happened to you? You’re out for a stroll with your hubby in Riverside Park, admiring the trees and grass, when suddenly he starts talking about how the trees remind him of this one time he was watching an avant-garde film by some Dutch man whose name you won’t even try to pronounce, where the trees began to laugh and cry all at once, and how that really told him a lot about his soul and how the confines of city life just aren’t for him?
And then, stuffing his hands in his pastel shorts, he starts to tell you about his favorite 17th century Dutch artist, but then he stops to think because there are just so many favorites it’s hard to pick one?
Or maybe, passing by a cheese shop, he just has to pop in and get a slab of his favorite type of Swiss cheese—which is Emmental, the only kind of Swiss he would ever consider eating due to its unique texture and mild, savory taste?
Or does he tote a copy of Infinite Jest to a cafe brunch, where there is no conceivable scenario in which he would get reading done?
Was his Alaska cruise okay, but not as good as his Joseph Conrad-esque sailing trip down the Congo, which inspired him to buy a second vacation home in Africa for when he gets tired of his Malibu beach house?
Does he tell you he’s having a tough time deciding which litigator he wants to help him with his DUI because the last one was all right, but the one who helped him with the bar brawl over a misquoting of Kant got him more in damages?
Does he “dabble” in painting and visit Cape Cod a few times a year to paint the sunset over the sand?
Have you ever seen him genuinely excited while watching a game of golf on TV?
When going a few blocks down the street, does he sometimes take a cab because the urban scent perturbs his sensitive nose?
If yes, then your significant other is probably a pretentious asshole.
In Other News
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
"Usually we let the admissions process grind them up and spit them out, but we had to step in here."
"Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."