FRAT ROW - In the early hours of Monday morning, around 10:00 AM, Bradley Carson CC’18 awoke to the sight of a man in full nude across the street in Carman Hall. Gaping from his window in KDR, Carson noticed that the freshman in question had ‘a really nice dick’.
“I was just going about my business and attending to my usual morning routine,” said Carson “when all of a sudden I see this really nice dick straight in my eye line. Not too big, not too small; it was a full on Goldilocks situation.”
Carson added, “And he wasn’t a Jew, I can tell you that much.”
It goes without saying that such an event is not a regular occurrence, Carson’s shock and admiration being a testament to this. The brothers at KDR, in fact, did not believe Carson’s story when it was recounted to them. He recalled one of his brothers saying: “Nah bro. Columbia must have been his safety school. Anyone with a dick that nice applied to Harvard early.”
Despite trying to make contact with the man in question, both The Federalist and Carson have been unable to find the identity of the mystery marauder. If you know any individual with a really nice dick living on Carman 4, please call 212-854-9550 to pass on his details. He deserves a fucking high five.
In Other News
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"