In college, I couldn’t even pay a girl to have coffee with me, and now I have all these students just eying my crotch during discussion sections.
Honestly, the most annoying part is having to schedule all these office hours. All I want to do is go home to my lizard and hang out. But no! I have to stay at school after hours to talk to these overly smart students about how well they already understand the material. Trust me, whatever you have to offer will not boost your grade.
To all the students emailing me to “talk about the class,” just drop it. I’m not interested. I know I look good in this button-down shirt, that’s what adults look like.
Can you please just pay attention to what’s on the board instead of trying to imagine me naked?
I did not sign up for this objectification and commodification. What about asking me about my interests, or engaging me in a complex discussion, or bringing me coffee?
Go get your complexes sorted out in your free Furman sessions. For fuck’s sakes, let me masturbate in silence.
In Other News
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.
“I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
"That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years."