In college, I couldn’t even pay a girl to have coffee with me, and now I have all these students just eying my crotch during discussion sections.
Honestly, the most annoying part is having to schedule all these office hours. All I want to do is go home to my lizard and hang out. But no! I have to stay at school after hours to talk to these overly smart students about how well they already understand the material. Trust me, whatever you have to offer will not boost your grade.
To all the students emailing me to “talk about the class,” just drop it. I’m not interested. I know I look good in this button-down shirt, that’s what adults look like.
Can you please just pay attention to what’s on the board instead of trying to imagine me naked?
I did not sign up for this objectification and commodification. What about asking me about my interests, or engaging me in a complex discussion, or bringing me coffee?
Go get your complexes sorted out in your free Furman sessions. For fuck’s sakes, let me masturbate in silence.
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”