EAST CAMPUS - Authorities are scrambling to mount a rescue effort after it was discovered late last night that Columbia University president Lee Bollinger has gotten himself trapped in a giant soup dumpling on the 13th floor of East Campus last night.
“From what we can tell, it seems he wandered over to East Campus 10:45,” said James McShane, Vice President for Public Safety. “How he ended up swimming in that scalding, delicious broth is anybody’s guess. For now, we’ve got to get him out of there.”
After becoming lodged in the dumpling, Bollinger went unnoticed until approximately 7:00 am this morning, when he was discovered by East Campus resident Erica Chang, CC’18.
“I was on my way to the bathroom when I stumbled across this giant soup dumpling in the hallway,” said Chang. “I was about to Instagram it, but then I heard these murmurs about ‘building a twenty-first century university’ coming from inside. That’s when I called the police.”
The NYPD dispatched a Chinese delicacy removal unit, which arrived on the scene promptly. As of press time, a team is attempting to puncture the skin of the dumpling with an oversized chopstick to alleviate some of the heat.
“These dumplings can get HOT inside, so you’ve got to be careful not to burn your mouth,” a law enforcement source told reporters, on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing operation. “Everybody has their own technique. Normally, we like to bite off the top and let out some steam. But with the president trapped inside we might have to take an unorthodox approach. For now, we’re letting the dumpling cool in a mixture of soy sauce and vinegar.”
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At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
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"After almost a year of listening to protesters chanting ‘Where’s Lee Bollinger’ on the steps outside my office, I realized they had a point. I wasn’t where I should be: on their side. It was a humbling moment.”