EAST CAMPUS - Authorities are scrambling to mount a rescue effort after it was discovered late last night that Columbia University president Lee Bollinger has gotten himself trapped in a giant soup dumpling on the 13th floor of East Campus last night.
“From what we can tell, it seems he wandered over to East Campus 10:45,” said James McShane, Vice President for Public Safety. “How he ended up swimming in that scalding, delicious broth is anybody’s guess. For now, we’ve got to get him out of there.”
After becoming lodged in the dumpling, Bollinger went unnoticed until approximately 7:00 am this morning, when he was discovered by East Campus resident Erica Chang, CC’18.
“I was on my way to the bathroom when I stumbled across this giant soup dumpling in the hallway,” said Chang. “I was about to Instagram it, but then I heard these murmurs about ‘building a twenty-first century university’ coming from inside. That’s when I called the police.”
The NYPD dispatched a Chinese delicacy removal unit, which arrived on the scene promptly. As of press time, a team is attempting to puncture the skin of the dumpling with an oversized chopstick to alleviate some of the heat.
“These dumplings can get HOT inside, so you’ve got to be careful not to burn your mouth,” a law enforcement source told reporters, on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing operation. “Everybody has their own technique. Normally, we like to bite off the top and let out some steam. But with the president trapped inside we might have to take an unorthodox approach. For now, we’re letting the dumpling cool in a mixture of soy sauce and vinegar.”
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She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.