I’ll admit it - we SEAS students have a crummy rep on campus. Everyone else just thinks we’re the sad, weird people who are better at math and worse at social interaction. But the haters have it all wrong. Doing extra problem sets and being trapped in Mudd are not all of who I am - deep down, I’m really just a guy who wants to fuck a robot.
Ever since I began exploring my sexuality to an unboxing video of the iPhone 4, I’ve dreamed of fucking a robot. At first, I was satisfied by the gentle fingering of my keyboard or the dirty chats I would have with Siri at night. But over time, my sexual thirst grew and my naive innocence faded. I can’t even count the number of times my roommate has walked in on me pleasuring myself with my Star Wars collectible droid models or masturbating through my tears as I rewatch The Iron Giant. I’ve spent so much time choking the chicken at the local Best Buy they’ve begun stocking my favorite shelf with the unwanted Windows phones. And I’m still not allowed at the local Cinemark after what happened on the release night of WALL-E.
When I was 16 years old, my dad caught me humping a toaster in the garage, and all he could say was, “Not again.” When I was 17, I had to go to the hospital after an unfortunate incident with my flatscreen TV, and when I got out, I fucked that TV again, just to finish what I’d started. I’m still going strong after getting arrested for public nudity when I seduced a parking meter, and if you want to hang out alone with the laundry machines for a bit, I know the perfect hours (Tuesdays, 3 to 5 in the morning).
Now, I’m pursuing my ultimate ambition, the dream I’ve had ever since that fateful iPhone 4 unboxing video: building the perfect soulmate, an emotionless heap of metal with no sensation, no free will, and no ability to protest to my advances. Finally, I will be able to experience the sensation I’ve so far only been able to shabbily imitate with an Oculus Rift and six inches of metal piping: a genuine sexual connection with a robot designed just for my pleasure. Robots may not be alive, but they can look past my New Balance shoes, unsettling gaze, and heavy breathing and see me for who I really am: just a normal guy who wants to fuck a robot.
In Other News
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
"Coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. You gotta stay focused on winning! Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’"
"Something about those cute little faces just gets me going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus."
“It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the salt.”
"In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!"
"I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon."
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”