I’ll admit it - we SEAS students have a crummy rep on campus. Everyone else just thinks we’re the sad, weird people who are better at math and worse at social interaction. But the haters have it all wrong. Doing extra problem sets and being trapped in Mudd are not all of who I am - deep down, I’m really just a guy who wants to fuck a robot.
Ever since I began exploring my sexuality to an unboxing video of the iPhone 4, I’ve dreamed of fucking a robot. At first, I was satisfied by the gentle fingering of my keyboard or the dirty chats I would have with Siri at night. But over time, my sexual thirst grew and my naive innocence faded. I can’t even count the number of times my roommate has walked in on me pleasuring myself with my Star Wars collectible droid models or masturbating through my tears as I rewatch The Iron Giant. I’ve spent so much time choking the chicken at the local Best Buy they’ve begun stocking my favorite shelf with the unwanted Windows phones. And I’m still not allowed at the local Cinemark after what happened on the release night of WALL-E.
When I was 16 years old, my dad caught me humping a toaster in the garage, and all he could say was, “Not again.” When I was 17, I had to go to the hospital after an unfortunate incident with my flatscreen TV, and when I got out, I fucked that TV again, just to finish what I’d started. I’m still going strong after getting arrested for public nudity when I seduced a parking meter, and if you want to hang out alone with the laundry machines for a bit, I know the perfect hours (Tuesdays, 3 to 5 in the morning).
Now, I’m pursuing my ultimate ambition, the dream I’ve had ever since that fateful iPhone 4 unboxing video: building the perfect soulmate, an emotionless heap of metal with no sensation, no free will, and no ability to protest to my advances. Finally, I will be able to experience the sensation I’ve so far only been able to shabbily imitate with an Oculus Rift and six inches of metal piping: a genuine sexual connection with a robot designed just for my pleasure. Robots may not be alive, but they can look past my New Balance shoes, unsettling gaze, and heavy breathing and see me for who I really am: just a normal guy who wants to fuck a robot.
In Other News
"At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up."
"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative."
“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”
"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."
"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked."
"It’s time for us to start including people from all walks of life: Kyle's, Anderson's, maybe even a Quinn if we’re feeling adventurous. Literally just one person that isn’t named Dylan. That’d be ill.”
"We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
"President Bollinger has already announced a rare Monday holiday to commemorate the student's brave achievement."
"Items found at the scene included a copy of Walter Benjamin’s Illuminations, 15 pairs of rose-colored sunglasses, five inflatable palm trees (deflated), three Pax vaporizers, and a bust of David."
"Gutierrez is currently accepting students for his four-hour seminar entitled 'How to Intersperse Sophisticated Words to Augment Your Intellectual Comportment.' It takes place on Sunday, October 14th from 2–5 p.m. in the Carman basement lounge."