Recently, during a trademark flirty repartee with a girl at 1020, local English major Berkeley Harrington CC ‘19 brought the game home with his best line of the night. Having already quoted several sexy lines from Infinite Jest and done a series of sultry James Joyce reenactments, Harrington could tell he only needed one more chance to knock it out of the park. When his female companion Shirley Ridley CC’19 innocently inquired what Harrington considers to be his greatest weakness, Harrington knew he was about to blow her fucking mind.
Staring soulfully into the distance, Harrington took a long drink and waited a few moments before replying, “I truly believe that my greatest weakness is loving too much.” Then, he sighed dramatically, looked down at the bar, and made some kind of vague gesture with his cigarette.
“It was like he was trying to tell me that someone had hurt him a long time ago and he wasn’t ready to open up again, while also letting me know that he was most definitely down for a quickie in his Furnald single,” said Ridley. “I know he didn’t say much, but from those few simple words, I could really understand him—he’s deep, he’s sensitive, he’s intellectual, and he’s the only person on this campus who TRULY appreciates the Smiths.”
Harrington explained that he is not used to expressing such honesty: “Usually I stop after dropping the line, ‘The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes’—that’s Proust by the way, Marcel Proust—but this time I went the extra mile and really bared my soul to this girl. We’d only just met, and we probably will never meet again after I stop responding to her texts and pick up some other girl who wears a lot of black right in front of her at 1020 next weekend, but for a moment there we made a real, meaningful connection.”
In Other News
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”