Recently, during a trademark flirty repartee with a girl at 1020, local English major Berkeley Harrington CC ‘19 brought the game home with his best line of the night. Having already quoted several sexy lines from Infinite Jest and done a series of sultry James Joyce reenactments, Harrington could tell he only needed one more chance to knock it out of the park. When his female companion Shirley Ridley CC’19 innocently inquired what Harrington considers to be his greatest weakness, Harrington knew he was about to blow her fucking mind.
Staring soulfully into the distance, Harrington took a long drink and waited a few moments before replying, “I truly believe that my greatest weakness is loving too much.” Then, he sighed dramatically, looked down at the bar, and made some kind of vague gesture with his cigarette.
“It was like he was trying to tell me that someone had hurt him a long time ago and he wasn’t ready to open up again, while also letting me know that he was most definitely down for a quickie in his Furnald single,” said Ridley. “I know he didn’t say much, but from those few simple words, I could really understand him—he’s deep, he’s sensitive, he’s intellectual, and he’s the only person on this campus who TRULY appreciates the Smiths.”
Harrington explained that he is not used to expressing such honesty: “Usually I stop after dropping the line, ‘The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes’—that’s Proust by the way, Marcel Proust—but this time I went the extra mile and really bared my soul to this girl. We’d only just met, and we probably will never meet again after I stop responding to her texts and pick up some other girl who wears a lot of black right in front of her at 1020 next weekend, but for a moment there we made a real, meaningful connection.”
In Other News
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.