CARMAN HALL -- Looking up hopefully like one of those Youtube videos of dogs excited to see their enlisted owners for the first time in three years, local CPS officer Paul Roberts was reportedly crushed when you didn’t even ask him how his day was. Instead of showing a basic level of human interest in his life, you responded to his question, “How are you doing tonight, miss?” by handing him your card and shifting around impatiently while poor Paul took as long as possible to run your card over the sensor. Foolishly, Paul spent the entire interaction hoping that you would eventually answer his question and maybe even respond with an incredibly thoughtful “And how are you doing tonight?” Maybe if you had asked him, you would have learned that Paul is actually a classically-trained clarinetist with a special love for the 18th Century Baroque. Or that he’s going through a rough patch with his wife right now, but he still loves her no matter how much she may complain about his sexual impotence. But no, instead you just took your card back, muttered a “thank you” and zoomed past Paul with the same expression that you reserve for a particularly junky exhibit in a modern art museum.
Reports indicate that while Paul spent his entire shift asking students how they were doing tonight, not a single one stopped to talk to him. However, skulking towards the subway station on his way home, he admitted that your cold shoulder hurt the worst, as he had thought better of you.
In Other News
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”