CARMAN HALL -- Looking up hopefully like one of those Youtube videos of dogs excited to see their enlisted owners for the first time in three years, local CPS officer Paul Roberts was reportedly crushed when you didn’t even ask him how his day was. Instead of showing a basic level of human interest in his life, you responded to his question, “How are you doing tonight, miss?” by handing him your card and shifting around impatiently while poor Paul took as long as possible to run your card over the sensor. Foolishly, Paul spent the entire interaction hoping that you would eventually answer his question and maybe even respond with an incredibly thoughtful “And how are you doing tonight?” Maybe if you had asked him, you would have learned that Paul is actually a classically-trained clarinetist with a special love for the 18th Century Baroque. Or that he’s going through a rough patch with his wife right now, but he still loves her no matter how much she may complain about his sexual impotence. But no, instead you just took your card back, muttered a “thank you” and zoomed past Paul with the same expression that you reserve for a particularly junky exhibit in a modern art museum.
Reports indicate that while Paul spent his entire shift asking students how they were doing tonight, not a single one stopped to talk to him. However, skulking towards the subway station on his way home, he admitted that your cold shoulder hurt the worst, as he had thought better of you.
In Other News
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."